Why isn’t the plot anything like the original?

Are you responsible for decisions made under the influence? If you decide to drive while drunk, you go to jail even though your decision was impaired. If vampire movies teach us anything, it’s that someone can go from friendly human to bloodthirsty vampire with one bite. But, being unable to consent to turning into a vampire, are people really responsible for what they do under inebriation?

If the bulked-up Colin Farrell wanted to kill you by biting your neck, shouldn’t you just let him?

How bad do I wish my last name was “Brewster”? (But then maybe the guy at Lowry Hill Liquor wouldn’t try to strike up conversations about my possible NBA player relatives every time he cards me.)

Are vampire movies a thinly veiled argument for ethical vegetarianism? Vampires need blood to survive, but the killing of those close to the protagonist beg the question addressed by other modern vampire stories like Twilight and True Blood: should vampires abstain from killing humans for food, though that is their current primary food source? Though it may cause us discomfort, should we forgo eating animals in response to the suffering this causes them?

Is this supposed to be a “girl power” movie because the female characters are more active in fight scenes? Just wondering if this movie is pro-women because a girl stabs someone through chest with a real estate sign or anti-women because she still misses the heart.

And as my friend @Jalbus pondered, “What sort of R-rated 3D movie doesn’t even bother to give us 3D boobs?”

– Chrissy Stockton