Every pretty girl has a fatal flaw, via the “life is fair” principle that doesn’t exist naturally but is instead enforced by crabby people. If a pretty girl does not naturally have a fatal flaw, she constructs one for herself, lest she receive life-long suspicion and resentment. Here is a basic guide to the types of pretty girls.
The Film Negative: This girl naturally has tan skin and blonde hair, but she spends her whole life making the contrast between these elements even more evident. She can either style herself like a Playboy bunny in Old Navy flip-flops or like a pin-up girl in bloomers, depending upon her level of sophistication.
Fatal flaw: Guys want to have sex with them but aren’t sure “how to relate.”
The Exotic Girl: This type of girl has a warmth about her that makes you realize how Puritanical and cold your family and friends are. She pronounces things adorably wrong and confesses something awful that happened to her as a pre-teen once you reach a special place between your language barriers.
Fatal flaw: This type of girl has been farmed by American Apparel and forced to wear leotards and never thread their brows again.
The Pretty Smart Girl: This pretty girl knows how to crack codes. After several years of careful observance and self re-styling, she has figured out how to curse, talk about cheeseburgers and act just cavalier enough to distract guys from the fact that she’s on a strict diet and wears hair extensions.
Fatal flaw: Enhanced self-awareness leads to incessant drinking, smoking, pill-taking.
The Tomboy: The occasional pretty girl has a complete aversion to people looking at her, a la Kristen Stewart. She deals with this by refusing to wear makeup, hunching her shoulders up at all times, and speaking in almost constant self-deprecation. She doesn’t know how to deal with most girls, who seek attention constantly, so instead she plays soccer with the other dudes in her apartment building.
Fatal flaw: People think she’s a lesbian sometimes.
The Total Bitch: The total bitch has it all. She’s smart. She’s been beautiful since she was in Oshkosh B’gosh overalls. She can paint. She can run. She can even horseback ride. Since people want to hate this rich, attractive girl, she finds they receive her better when she’s a total bitch. If she acts too nice, they get suspicions.
Fatal flaw: Will pull your hair, push you down the stairs.
