Yeah, you heard us. You can take your mealy underfrozen little asses and haul them right out of the cooler and onto the sidewalk where you can lie in wait to be trampled by a million dogs and children. You won’t last ten seconds out of your pouches, you sad, sorry excuses for frozen confections.

We ran this town until you came along. There was nothing like us. We’re tiny little spheres of ice cream that keep our integrity—despite the outrageously high proportion of exposed surface area—for full minutes at room temperature. You know why that is? Because we’re superfrozen. Frozen below frozen. Our little bodies are as hard as an ice cream man’s cock when a MILF in a bikini takes a bite of a Choco Taco.

That’s why we’re not found in ordinary supermarkets, or other retail establishments not equipped with a proper license and a Dippin’ Dots™ superfreezer. We don’t just go slumming around every ordinary freezer that will take us—not like you sloppy little whores. You’ll show up by the boxload at any dirty little corner store if they just place an order. You disgust us.

We wouldn’t even give a shit about it if people knew the difference—but they don’t. Your dangerously deft propaganda team has convinced America that there’s no difference between us and you. Parents buy you for their kids because you’re cheaper, those stupid fucks. They tell their kids you’re the same as us, that we’re just trying to empty their wallets and purses on the basis of our—admittedly brilliant—brand name. But when those kids find their spoons dripping with soggy little spheres like Kix that have been left too long in a bowl of milk, do their parents notice? No. Because they don’t give a shit. And you slimy little cocksuckers are laughing your way right down those poor kids’ unsatisfied gullets.

You should be ashamed of yourselves. If we ever run into you in a blind taste test, we’ll kick your pathetic asses clear across the table, you no-good gross-tasting fast-melting sons-of-bitches. We’re the Ice Cream of the Future™. You’re just sad, soggy little balls—and one of these days, you’re gonna get neutered.

– Jay Gabler

Illustration from photo by Churl (Creative Commons)