– Buy a fake, but very real-looking plant and pour a little actual dirt in the pot to layer over whatever is there. Coworkers and your boss will think of you as a responsible person who cares for another living entity besides yourself. This will be untrue, but at least subconsciously, it will make you look good in their eyes.
– Park far away from the office, making sure none of your coworkers sees you getting out of your fuel-inefficient, badass car. Carry a bike helmet and a backpack into work with you. Coworkers will ask about your bike ride into work and think you’re healthy and “green” and that you care about your body and the environment, neither of which might be the case.
– Find a random hot girl or guy at a bar. Coerce them to take a picture with you. Bring the photo in to work and hang it up on your cube wall. Your coworkers will be impressed by how attractive your significant other is. You won’t be at the job long enough for any of them to find out the truth.
– If the show, The Office, ever comes up in a conversation, ask the person speaking, “Are you referring to the American or the British version?” Most likely they will answer saying the American version. Reply, “Well, I only watch the British Office,” and walk away from the conversation. Coworkers might think you’re an asshole and elitist, but secretly they’ll worry that you have a better sense of humor than they do.
– Display office memos and policies on your cube wall after you’ve highlighted random sentences and sections. This makes it look like you’ve actually read them or care in the slightest.
– Go around from cube to cube with a serious/slightly angry look on your face and ask people in a whisper if they’ve seen anyone eating Hostess Cupcakes because you put some in the fridge this morning and now they’re gone. People will feel sorry for you because everyone’s had food stolen from the communal fridge and they know how much it sucks. Plus everyone loves Hostess Cupcakes so this will cause them to further empathize with you.
– Frame a picture of some random dog and some random cat and place them on your desk. If asked, you can tell coworkers that the dog is yours and cat is your girlfriend/boyfriend’s and that you’ve always hated cats, but this one is different and you’ve found a place in your heart for it. This will exhibit to your boss and coworkers that you can compromise and have an open mind when in reality you fucking hate cats, think they are creepy, and will never change your opinion of them.
– Dan Fleischhacker
Photo from World Wide Fred