Your stages of celebrity life, as greeted by weekly gossip magazines
Birth: Oh, aren’t you cute! Can we get a photo of your mom holding you against her belly? We’ll run it next to the photo we took of her preggers last month. And one with Daddy! Now that you’re here, your parents the pop star and the pro snowboarder are finally a family!
Starting grade school: Well! Aren’t you the little fashion plate! There’s Mom, walking you to school for the cameras! She knows us so well…we’ll be bored of you in a week, and then she can have the nanny do everything.
Puberty: Congratulations! You’re beginning the most exciting, sexiest, and potentially profitable several years of your life. You can’t lose when you’re a celebrity teen: you’re old enough to star in movies and make albums, but too young to really screw up your life. We’re going to watch in fascination as you discover your personal style and maybe even the love of your life! It’s all downhill from here, so enjoy it while it lasts.
Turning 21: Uh-oh! Look who’s “in da club”! Better not canoodle with someone you’re not dating, or get smashed and have to be carried out by your bodyguard! We’ll be watching!
Dating: Spotted! You’re sharing secret getaways, holding hands in public, and meeting each other’s parents! But is it serious? Only time will tell!
Engagement: Omigod omigod omigod! Let’s see the ring! Where was the proposal? Can we grab a shot of the flower petals arranged on the floor? Kthx.
Marriage: The big day! Which aging pop star performed the ceremony? How many dozen bridesmaids were there? Where’s the honeymoon? You’re like royalty! A prince and his princess! IT’S A PERFECT DREAM WORLD.
Pregnancy: We see that bump! Are you happier than you could ever possibly have imagined being? We know. We don’t even need to ask.
Childbirth: Oh, isn’t he cute! You and your spouse haven’t seen each other in the last eight months, but now you’re really a family!
Divorce: WHAT WENT WRONG?! Did someone cheat? Were your busy schedules incompatible, or WAS IT SOMEONE’S FAULT?! It was someone’s fault, right? Whose fault was it?
Contracting a fatal disease: You are so brave! So so so so so so so so brave! Brave brave brave! Oh, the courage! Everyone agrees: you are so, so brave.
Death: You are remembered! We’ll remember you fondly, for exactly one week.