The Sperm Guy: This guy makes paintings on giant canvases – they could be black blurs or space aliens having cocktails, whatever, but he rubs his sperm in them. He does! Tell your mom! Sperm guy has a large artist studio pad where he bangs gymnasts (he’s beyond normal sex positions) and watches a lot of The Wire.

The Conceptual Guy Who Can’t Really Draw: Hello. Welcome to my senior thesis. Yes, it is a bunch of stones. I deconstructed a bonfire and placed the stones all over the room, in a non-organized way that represents “chaos.” I became interested in chaos when I was reading a lot of French theory [watching I Heart Huckabees] and wanted to reflect that with a material found in nature that also acts as an indicator of time and history via half life analysis.

The Twee Chick: If you like this painting of three birds sitting on a telephone wire, you should see my apartment! I styled it to look like a page from Harold and the Purple Crayon meets Eternal Sunshine. Yeah! Look me up on Etsy.

The Graffiti Guy: This artist insists that you meet him at midnight, near a dark bike path. He talks way too fast – you’re not sure what he’s saying, but a lot of it is about a prose writer from the 1960s? He offers you a cigarette and half an avocado sandwich, and then has to leave to visit a train across town.

The Artist Who Should Have Majored in History: This exhibit is essentially just a table, but the plaque next to it begs to differ. Did you know this table structure was characteristic of Nazi Germany? No, you didn’t. Please don’t misquote me or give my art a negative review, because essentially that’s saying you love genocide.

The Literal Feminist: This chick wants to spread awareness about women being oppressed, and she’s decided that the best way to do it is to visually represent metaphors, literally. What about a girl with tape over her mouth? Dang! Hard-hitting. What if she’s crying while being handed a tiny bikini? That’ll show them.

Ironic MS Paint Artist: This person wants to be popular in the blogsophere.

The Artist Who Should Probably Be a Graphic Designer: This artist has a rare talent for using white space, creating visual hierarchy and balancing color. Their visuals communicate something with their character rather than their content, and their thematic  ideas are timely. Seems like they should get to have a real career in life.

–Becky Lang has interviewed a lot of artists

Photo by Rakka