How I Imagine the 3 Most Market Tested-Seeming Shows Were Conceived

1. Glee

Guy with sandwich: Ok, our market research says baby boomer moms are the only people actually using iTunes to buy music, and a huge portion of it is American Idol songs. We need to create a show that uses this insight to drive more music merchandising partnerships.

Guy with a Snapple: Ok, but our budget is for an hour-long dramedy. How can we integrate the two?

Guy with Sandwich: Let’s make a show about like … a high school choir!

Guy with Snapple: The creative brief mandates at least three characters dressed constantly like cheerleaders.

Guy with sandwich: OK, so they’re something dorkier, like a glee club, and the cheerleaders are mean to them.

Guy with Snapple: Jane Lynch?

GWSn: Her schtick has some of the highest ratings around. Brilliant!

GWSa: Gwyneth Paltrow?

GWSn: Let’s wait to bring her on till we want the show to get purposely canceled.

GWSa: Deal!

2. The Vampire Diaries

70-year-old exec: Make something with vampires in it! Twilight is a thing. A money-making thing!

Aspiring writer with frappuccino glasses: But sir, isn’t that getting a little hackneyed?

7YOE: You’re fired, pansy boy. Go get me that young intern in that smart one-shoulder dress. The one drinking a Vitamin Water.

Intern in One-Shoulder Dress: Uh, hi.

7YOE: Do teenagers like vampire stories or do they not?

IIOSD: Uh, yeah.

7YOE: It’s a deal. Do we need to have a strong female character, like in the 90s?

AWWFG: Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

IIOSD: Who’s that?

7YOE: There’s our answer. Hire some brunette! We’ve got ourselves a show.

3. Modern Family

Guy who once invented a really popular show and then 7 succeeding flops: [Thinks about snorting cocaine but doesn’t. Thinks fondly of days snorting cocaine. Walks into White Castle bathroom at looks at self in mirror.] Ok, buddy. This is it. We need a show that just says … “today.” It just feels like what life is like “now” – for the average guy. For the average girl … for the average family. We need a show for the modern family. What is the modern family? Well, the old family was very Married with Children. But now, the modern family has like … a foreigner. And gay people. I know! I’ll rope in Al Bundy, a hot blonde, a gay character, a foreign hot chick and call it … Modern Family.

–Becky Lang