In

Vodka shots with chasers. The perfect way to keep track of your alcohol consumption: just count the shots. Efficient, cheap (if you were going to ask whether it’s Belvedere or Karkov that’s trendy this summer, you don’t have to ask now), and you can have fun selecting the chaser of your choice.

IPA. Perennially cool, like black Ray-Bans. Drinking an IPA shows you’re discerning, you’re brave, and you’ll be raging drunk in about 10 minutes. In short, you’re the kind of person everyone wants to be seen with.

Cheap white wine. This very postmodern summer is all about the high culture-low culture collision, and nothing does that for you like a bottle of cheap white wine. The key here is to be really shameless: don’t get one of those $11.99 bottles that come with a handwritten store recommendation, go for the cheapest goddamn thing in the aisle, then stick it in your fridge. You may feel uneasy keeping a bottle of Barefoot Wine in your fridge, but trust me: your guests will lap that shit up like kittens at their mamacat’s tits.

Unholy mixture in a Lipton Brisk bottle. Since you’ve emptied its contents and replaced them with some powerful blend of vodka/whiskey and/or soda/juice, it doesn’t really matter what brand of bottle you use for one of these concoctions…but you want to look confident and summery, and the lightly tinted Lipton Brisk bottle does this for you. It says, “Hey, I may be irresponsible enough to mix bottom-shelf booze and Sprite and chug the whole thing while walking to a block party, but I have enough shit together to give it some thought and make it look like it could conceivably be iced tea, and I’m so confident of that, I put it in this translucent bottle.” See how cool that is?

Bloody Marys. If someone at brunch looks at your Bloody Mary and says, “Jeez, that looks like a whole meal,” just reply, “Exactly. Just like your spinach-feta omelet, except I’m buzzed and you’re not.”

Out

Cheap beer. Getting cheap beer is just kind of a half-ass move. If you want to drink cheap, then get some bathtub gin: a whole handle runs you about as much as a 12-pack of Schlitz. If you want to drink beer, than get something that actually tastes good. Why spend all night pouring piss down your throat?

Mojitos. Too much goddamn work.

Expensive red wine. A couple of summers ago it was totally the thing to sit out on a deck at night and savor a really good glass of red wine. Now, that just seems silly. (And no, this judgement has nothing to do with the fact that in 2009 I was dating someone who had a well-paying job and a deck and who liked red wine.)

Concoction in a two-liter bottle. Back in February, we celebrated The Tangential’s one-month anniversary by running around a questionably licensed DIY art/music venue while sharing a two-liter of God-knows-what. Then the city shut that venue down, and now our behavior seems like unwarranted hubris. A 20-ounce bottle of God-knows-what is enough. Two liters is flying too close to the sun.

Four Loko. In summer 2011, there is nothing sadder than someone who brags about raging on Four Loko, pretending that it’s the same as it’s always been. It’s not…but if a placebo does it for you, let me hook you up with some of these crazy pharmaceuticals I just bought from the candy store.

– Jay Gabler, with the benefit of insights from Sarah Heuer and Becky Lang