1. You’ll want to find a horse first. Ideally one with a beautiful chestnut or palomino coat. Any genre, too. I prefer Clydesdales, but really any horse with a large, fully-erect cock will do.

2. Lay newspaper on the ground (horses typically have a blast radius of somewhere around 4 feet). Optional: Apply eyewear. Horse semen typically has a discharge force of 125,000 CFS (or the stream of a fire hose).

3. First, speak gently to the horse. “Nice horsey, beautiful mane, great fetlocks…” Then, stroke his manhood: “I’ve never seen such a massive horse unit as yours. How do they keep you contained in this pen?”

4. Apply your warmed right hand to his monument, thumb extended in the classic shaft-grabbing motion. If not familiar: it’s the same motion Bobby made at you in 7th grade on the bus when you said you wanted to finish your algebra assignment.

5. Let the horse know what you’re doing. They don’t like being spooked. “Oh equine god, I am running the flag up your majestic pole. Let’s build a life together.”

6. While stroking the gigantic animal penis, you’ll likely feel a range of emotions (embarrassment, self-loathing, jealousy that your needs aren’t met, etc.). Ignore these feelings. The horse can feel your focus waning.

7. When the horse deposits, his eyes will roll to the back of his lids, his back leg will kick, and he may feel vulnerable. Let him know he shouldn’t. “Trixy, it’s okay. You come for both of us.”

8. Then take the residual jism, spread it over your face, take photos, and send them to all your friends. Let the world know how much you care for your horse. That you aren’t ashamed.

9. Wait for the horse to call back. He won’t. Not just because he’s too busy at work, but because he has hooves instead of fingers. He actually, physically cannot call you.

10. Realize that this world is cruel, and the only time you’ll ever experience agape love is when jacking off beasts of burden. So you find yourself on a talk show circuit, exhorting the spiritual benefits of horse masturbation. Each time you appear on TV, you’re actually secretly hoping Trixy is watching, but then you’re again reminded he’s probably color-blind, there’s no cable in the barn, and he’s the kind of horse that can only ever receive handjobs, not return them (again, because of the whole hoof thing).

– Dunstan McGill