Oopsies. Looks like that chocolate you just ate out of your brother’s fridge was laced with weed. Your flight is in 1.5 hours. Congrats, you are now going to be really, really high in the airtport. Here’s how to make it through without getting the ‘ol oil check from TSA.

Dress appropriately. It’s no coincidence that brown skinned people and dirty hipsters get “randomly selected for extra security.” Since you are going to be really high in the airport, make sure you dress like someone who does not get high. Throw on a collared shirt and tuck that shit in. You are now a square so that button that says “Make love, not war” needs to get the boot.

Use the auto check in. It’s going to take some extra concentration to read the onscreen words, but at least you won’t have to talk to real humans to get your ticket. Plus if you start hitting random buttons, you might get a bomb vegetarian meal on the plane.

Go through the ticket check. Well the weed should be kicking in super hard right now. Keep a rule of 60% eye contact when you’re being questioned on your destination. Look at them longer and you’re eyeballs will give you away. Shorter, and you’ll appear too furtive.

Remember your stuff. Now that you’re high you have no short term memory, which makes losing your stuff super easy. As a solution, keep you ticket and ID in your dominant hand’s front pocket. You’ll have to take it out a bunch of times and you want to do this as smoothly as possible. Fumbling with documents = sketchy.

Go through the metal detectors. Take a deep breath and walk through. When the sensor because you forgot to take off your belt goes off do not run. Instead, just smile, hold normal eye contact and say “Whoopsies” to diffuse the situation. Walk upright through the detectors again an repeat until you have removed everything that has metal on it.

Keep Trying. After the 3rd time the sensors go off, the TSA officials will get annoyed and call you into a little area with a wand. When they touch you, do not giggle, just take deep breaths and think about how awesome it’s going to be to listen to that sitar song when this is all over.

Boarding. Wait it out. Everyone is rushing to get on the flight and they will be impatient while you’re trying to cram your bag into the overhead compartment. Instead, hold off for a bit and let the others go through first, so you can leisurely stow your stuff without scrutiny.

Sitting in your seat. The person next to you may start to chat with you. You’re going to be way too high at this point to have a coherent conversation about anything other than video games and hunger pangs. Simply defer the conversation by saying you have “some work to do” and start reading the AirMall catalog. This will confuse your seatmate enough that they won’t want to talk to you.

Flying. Since the weed chocolate will keep on getting you high and higher, you will be physically and mentally flying during your flight. Wait for the safety video to end and put on your headphone. You’re in the clear so it’s time to really start vibing to that sitar and wondering what type of special meal your ordered for the plane.

– Jonathan now asks first before he eats chocolates without FDA approved labels