1. When his father was imprisoned in debtor’s prison, the whole family joined him — except young Charles, who boarded with a family friend. Way to get out of jail free, asshole!

2. Charles’s mom took her time pulling Charles from his job at a boot-blacking factory; as a result, Dickens developed a firm view that women should be subservient to men. What a misogynist prick.

3. When his pet raven died, he had it stuffed; it’s now owned by the Free Library of Philadelphia. Macabre much, weirdo?

4. With his wife, had ten children. Jesus Christ, asshole, think that maybe once in a while you could just pull one off in the outhouse and give the old lady a break?

5. Supported the strengthening of international copyright laws. So you don’t want Girl Talk to get paid for his hard work, huh? Selfish motherfucker.

6. Took up with an actress in a play he had written, separating from his wife…with whom, did I mention, he’d had ten children? Everybody chant with me: Ass-hole! Ass-hole!

7. In 1860, burned all the letters he’d saved over the course of his life. Trying to hide anything, Chuck? Just maybe?

8. With absolutely no evidence, decided that the members of John Franklin’s doomed Arctic exploration company had been murdered by “savage” Natives instead of — as evidence actually indicated — resorting to cannibalism among themselves. Everyone’s a little bit racist — some more than others!

9. When his lover was killed in the wreck of a train that they were riding together, Dickens dodged the inquest to avoid revealing their affair. Nice one, Charles. Reeeeeal classy.

10. Last words: “Be natural, my children. For the writer that is natural has fulfilled all the rules of art.” Pretentious and stuffy to the end! What an asshole.

– Jay Gabler, in celebration of the 141st anniversary of Charles Dickens’s death