1. Stare at your own reflection in the blank screen. It will probably be very dim and non-descript. If you’ve ever been curious as to how you look in the dark, this is it. This is what your lover sees as you two lay in bed. For many of you, this is the most attractive you will ever look. Cherish this moment of intimacy with yourself.

2. If it isn’t your computer, rearrange a few keys on the keyboard. This is best if the computer owner is a hunter and pecker. Switching the N and the M is a good place to start. Or if you’re really ambitious you can spell out most swear words right in the home row. FUCKTARDS fits nicely.

3. See if you can’t pop one off while your computer slowly wakes up from its lugubrious slumber. Pretend that your computer will be disgusted if it catches you. This adds a sense of urgency and excitement you don’t often get from your computer because it gives you everything you want whenever you want it, destroying your sense of delayed gratification.

4. Imagine that your computer is controlled by thousands of tiny men who run up and down the winding corridors of your motherboard, hefting ones and zeros over their heads and passing them up scaffolding where they are sorted into an elaborate series of cubbies. They are your personal minions. They sometimes go weeks without sleep so you don’t have to wait quite as long when you sit down to idly read The Tangential. They tremble with fear every time your mouse hovers over porn ads on thepiratebay.com.

5. Look at the disarray all around you. Contemplate cleaning your room. Get up and pick up two shirts off the floor, then toss them on your bed when you notice your computer is ready to go. Experience cognitive dissonance as you pretend you actually tried to clean your room, but something urgent came up.

6. Get too bored waiting, leave the room and stare out the window at a squirrel, frantically climbing up and down a tree because the poor sap has nothing better to do all day.

–Matt Beachey