You packed up your things, turned in your keys and moved out. Now I’m all alone and wondering, was it better with you around?
Seven reasons why I’m upset that my roommate moved out:
1. Who is going to fake sex noises with me at midnight to compete with the tantric neighbors?
2. When you left you took my black cardigan, you thought I wouldn’t notice, and now it’s all that I could ever want to wear.
3. You also took the microwave, TV, coffee maker, DVD player, Christmas lights and nudie playing cards—thus rendering my life pointless and far less thrilling.
4. I no longer have a nail painting buddy; I get high on the fumes all alone.
5. When I order a pizza now, I know I’ll eat the whole thing instead of splitting it with you. So many food babies, and they’re all your fault.
6. Now that you’re gone I have to trust the mirror when getting ready. The mirror is a lying trollop and it likes to make me look like one, too.
7. Who is supposed to call my phone when I misplace it now?
Of course, no matter what you say are the reasons, I know the truth—It wasn’t me, it was you. And now that you’re gone, the rent is higher but the living is easy.
Seven reasons why I’m glad my roommate moved out:
1. No more Say Yes to the Dress playing on max volume while you cry and stress and think of your future wedding plans. (Also, I am no longer required to wear the bridesmaid gown you picked for me.)
2. Much more freezer space for my Ben & Jerry’s Imagine Whirled Peace.
3. By process of elimination, I am now the cutest roommate out of one.
4. No more judgmental eyes as I order #54 with the fried rice from ChinaTown for the third time in a week.
5. I can now walk around this apartment in my underwear without the constant fear of you returning home unexpectedly with your parents and significant other. These boy shorts were made to be free!
6. No more having to pretend to ignore your late night couple fights over the phone in the bathroom.
7. The ten-second loop of your Rihanna ringtone will never be stuck in my head again. I hope.