“Love means rubbing Desitin on your husband’s ball rash.”
“If The Social Network doesn’t win best picture, I will kill the academy.”
Don’t hit people.
“I have taken the boyfriend’s car and am headed to california. I’m sorry @fuckmilesross please don’t hit me again.”
Put things back where you found them.
“That awkward moment when you can’t find your phone and you think you should call it to find it but wait….. #whereismyphone”
Clean up your own mess.
“@mfcrawford let me know when I can get my instagram photos as my toilet paper.”
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
“Does somebody have the new Fleet Foxes album in mp3 form? I can only find FLAC files.”
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.
“People are probably annoyed that I keep RTing things… #mybad”
Wash your hands before you eat.
“#CosmoTwitterAfterDark When he gets nekkid say ‘How am I ever going to decide where 2 lick u first?’ 6 more dirty phrases http://ow.ly/4WWCV”
“(602): Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.”
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
“Planet Earth is the best when you’re stoned. #BlowingMyMind.”
Live a balanced life—learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
“I say im da greatest artist cuz I draw, paint, write poetry,do graphic designs, rap, etc. whatever art is I can do it. Dats y im da greatest”
Take a nap every afternoon.
“Just woke up frm a great nap, weird dream tho lol now listenin to a room full of snores #WTF. Somebody keep me company”
When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.
“Hold hands, not grudges. Break dance, not hearts. Do hugs, not drugs. Be happy, not easy. #DamnItsTrue”
Be aware of wonder.
“If ya datin a chick wit bigger feet than you #IWonder who really takes it from tha back in ya relationship..”
Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
“I’d be nice if @DunkinDonuts would stop using styrofoam cups. There was a crack in mine and it leaked all in my car cup holder. Nice”
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup—they all die. So do we.
“#bieberfact Justin said his first heartbreak was when his hamster died when he was 7♥”
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned—the biggest word of all—LOOK.
“Dear McDonald’s cashier,Dont look at me like that.Last time I checked,there was no age limit on Happy Meals. Sincerely, dont forget the toy”