1. Girls who talk in baby voices
No one is born with a voice an octave higher than the rest of humanity. Instead, the baby voice is a result of a rare type of Electra complex that Freud would have written about in more detail had he grown up in Orange County or Beverly Hills. Its subtext is, “Think I’m cute! Think I’m cute! Why don’t you think I’m cute, daddy?”
2. Girls who get offended by every goddam thing
You should hear what boys talk about when you’re not around.
3. Militantly nice girls
Hi, yes, I don’t have any friends in this lecture but that doesn’t mean that I want you to swoop down on me every monday and ask how my weekend was in that pitying tone. No I don’t want to go with you to get a Frappuccino and hear about your volunteer work. I have my own friends, I swear.
4. Girls who never stop talking about their trip abroad
I highly doubt you were in France for so long that you developed an accent. Please don’t suggest we go eat baguettes with cheese in the park.
5. Out-of-control nymphos
Do you really hope a guy cums in your ear tonight? Oh, you’re sexting him right now? He’s blowing you off but you’re promising … what? No I will not “sit on his lap with you.”
6. Domestic goddesses
This is the type of girl whose personality is built around showing her “future wife potential.” You can find her at a party at 3 a.m., sober and washing all the dishes.
7. Girls who fish for compliments
The only girls who do this are tanner, thinner and richer than you. People with actual crippling flaws tend to avoid pointing them out constantly.
8. Overly emphatic girls
OMG!!!!!!! SO MUCH COFFEE 2DAY!!!
9. Girls who just want a pony
All my life, I’ve wanted a pony. I want to brush its pretty tail and feed it apples. Someday daddy will get me one. This is different from actual horseback riders. Pony girls won’t pee in latrines, thus they tend to get nauseous in barns.
10. Super needy girls
This kind of girl treats you like you’re her boyfriend. If you see a movie she had wanted to see with someone else, she’ll threaten to “break up with you.” Go for it.