-Learn something practical, like how to make a prosthetic nose that she will one day be able to replace her birth nose with after she’s ruined it with cocaine. All new prosthetic noses will be cocaine-proof.
-She’ll take up rat breeding, but only because she really gets a kick out of naming baby rats.
-Reenact “The Parent Trap,” playing both sisters again; except this time they make out.
-Star in the dieting film “Lean Girls,” which is actually just a video of her purging.
-Daily skin oranging.
-Create a new human sex that she can fall in love with.
-Rob a bank.
-Have Mercedes manufacture a miniature car that she can drunk drive from the living room to the kitchen.
-Begin to walk around her house like a spider.
-Eat the Runts out of a jelly and Runts candle from 2004.
-Begin a relationship with a pillow depicting James Franco being in love with a pillow.
-Start pretending that a starfruit is her own child. She will name it “Camilla” and paint it with lipstick according to her mood.
-Read the Wikipedia page about Shakespeare and think about all the funny things he smoked.
-Smell the baking soda in her fridge while barefoot and then drop it on her feet out of shock. Then she will wash her feet in the tub but not take a full-on shower.
-Sit on a spin machine and cry.
-Look an an Internet store for fish to find one that looks like her. Order it in the mail and then put it in a tank and feel sad when she accidentally lets it die.
-Make a collage for Nicole Richie about their memories and burn herself with a glue gun. Think, “This is dumb” and then throw it away, not telling Nicole anything.
–Jason Zabel and Becky Lang
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