Earwax Removal Kits. I can’t trust people who can’t trust themselves with a Q-tip. It’s a little stick with cotton on the ends. My cat eats them for breakfast. Just put it in there, man. You’ll know if you’re going too far (or you’ll find out the hard way). There is absolutely no need to squirt liquids in your ear. I once dated a guy for seven months before noticing his insane earwax build-up. I never told him the real reason for the break-up.
The ability to French braid your own hair. I am horrible at braiding my own hair, but I do it anyway and call the mess, “bohemian.” The kind of braiding that freaks me out is when someone is super good at it. My sophomore year roommate always had the most perfect, intricate braids, and she did them all by herself. Upside-down, diagonal, triple, inside-out, whatever. Her finger movements reminded me of the stair scene in The Exorcist.
Waxing Parties. Waxing alone is painful; waxing with friends is still painful. The last thing I want to do when I’m with friends is pull down my pants and get rid of some unwanted hair. Pretty sure the only people who have waxing parties are porn stars and thirty-something bachelorettes, a.k.a. freaky people. For any other group of women (and most of my male friends), “quiet party at my home” means a box of Franzia and some Scrabble.
Nose hair trimming. I’m going to notice if you have nose hair, and I will most certainly notice if it’s missing. That will only make me picture you leaning over a sink with a tiny tweezers, or worse—that electric, spinning contraption. Nose hairs are attached to some pretty sensitive nerves, which means trimming them is for the incredibly brave or the incredibly freaky.
Mustache bleaching. It’s hard for me to hold eye contact with people, so I’m thankful when they take a break by looking the other way; this gives me a chance to look elsewhere. Sometimes I’ll admire their pores or pristine teeth…or their mustache hair. Bleaching does nothing more than make each hair catch the light a little better. You’re not fooling anyone, honey. Shave it off. That shit is thick.
–Heidi Thomasoni looks forward to using a Q-tip every morning.