Do It Yourself: The Masturbatosphere
Welcome to the first installment of Do It Yourself with Chris Bastedo, where I show you some fun and useful building projects you can do in your very own home or studio apartment. Today we will be making a simple device I whipped up in the workshop that I call “The Masturbatosphere.”
Now before you get too freaked out, The Masturbatosphere is not actually a sphere, it’s a pentagonal hexecontahedron (for those of you who don’t know, that’s a sixty sided Catalan Solid made of irregular pentagons) that you masturbate in. Let’s take a look at the supplies you are going to need.
1. 60 58.16×58.16×32.71×32.71x 32.71cm Lexan panels (or other highly shatter resistant clear material, it’s your call but I’ve had the best luck with Lexan
2. 150 pieces 1.5 in. wide square steel tubing. 90 pieces cut to 32.71cm, 60 cut to 58.16cm
3. Screws (a whole shitload). I recommend at least ten screws per Lexan panel
4. An arc welder or some really strong glue that works on metal (duct tape will do in a pinch)
5. (Optional) climbing harness. NOTE: this is a matter of personal preference. If you want to use the device as an oversized masturbatory hamster ball, you don’t need the harness. If you want to experience complete disorientation and helplessness as your course is controlled only by the laws of gravity and whoever may be pushing/getting run over by the ball, you’ll want the harness. A standard climbing harness will work, though I had my mom make a custom harness out of Alpaca; it’s remarkably comfortable and hypoallergenic too.
I feel like this part is pretty self explanatory. Just weld/glue/duct tape yourself a pentagonal hexecontahedron out of the 150 pieces of steel. Use the shitload of screws to attach the 60 Lexan panels.
Congratulations! Your Masurbatosphere is ready for use.
This seems really dangerous; are there any safety precautions I should take?
I can assure you that the Masturbatosphere is perfectly safe. Though for added safety, do not use it near a body of water! This thing will sink to the bottom in about three seconds flat. If the idea of dying in an autoerotic asphyxiation accident sounds embarrassing, just imagine the look on your mom’s face when the police dive team pulls your horrified naked corpse entombed in The Masturbatosphere out of the river.
Is the Masturbatosphere difficult to use?
Using the Masturbatosphere is a lot like running full speed up a hill while jerking off. In fact if you’re looking to do some training before you use your Masturbatosphere, running full speed up hill while jerking off is the way to go.
Why in God’s name would I want to build this thing? This seems horrible and illegal.
Look, if you have a better way to masturbate in front of people without them stopping you I’d like to hear it.
There doesn’t seem to be any way to get in, is that a mistake?
NO! THE MASTURBATOSPHERE WILL ACCEPT THE WORTHY ONLY WHEN THEY ARE PREPARED TO ENTER!
Happy masturbating! I hope you and your family will enjoy your Masturbatosphere for years to come!
-Stay tuned for more DIY projects from Chris Bastedo.