To take you to the beginning of my first (but not last) Brazilian wax experience, I was getting it on with my boyfriend, and, embarrassed, I made a comment about my prickly leg hair. (I had just shaved, but it was cold that day. Ugh!) Anywho, he started calling me his sexy wookie. Uh yeah, like the big, hairy character on Star Wars. So, I started getting all paranoid about my body hair. I consider myself well-groomed, but what if he doesn’t?
I immediately did a super shave of the area, which caused me to itch like mad. I woke up scratching myself every night for like a week. It was awful. So, I decided to make an appointment for a bikini wax instead. My friend recommended a place, but she warned: Don’t go here if you’re modest. Okay, understatement of the century!
Awkward Moment #1: The Strip Down
When I get to this hole-in-the-wall salon, they take me back to a room and close the door. I stand there thinking the waxist is going to leave, so I can get undressed and get all cozy under a towel. Then I realize: there is no towel – or anything – on the table. The waxist says “Take pants off.” Fuck. I gotta get naked in front of her? So, I make uncomfortable conversation as I’m stripping down.
Awkward Moment #2: The Assessment
I’m feeling a little vulnerable as my naked ass climbs on the table. I lie down, and she tells me to spread ’em, knees bent in a frog-like position. Then she stares at my vagina as if it’s a damn Van Gogh. I’m starting to sweat, and she hasn’t even coated my area in hot wax yet. She then explains to me (in the practically inaudible Asian accent) what she is going to do. I nod, not really understanding the agreement except that I had asked for an extended bikini wax when I made the appointment. She dips her stick into the wax and begins.
Awkward Moment #3: Happy Baby Pose
Falsely, I’m getting a little more comfortable with the situation, realizing that Helen (we’re on a first name basis now) stares at va-jay-jay all day. We talk about life as she rips chunks of hair from my area. At one point, she shows me the hairy strip of wax that she just yanked from my skin and says: It’s been a while. I think: Yes, I am wookie. I look at the clock and see that it’s already been half an hour. Seems like she should be finished torturing me by now. Then she requests the unthinkable: She tells me to hold my legs up and grip my knees. For you yogis, picture an abbreviated happy baby pose. WTF?! Not wanting to question Helen, I do it, and she smears hot wax in between my butt cheeks. It was the moment of clarity. At the beginning of our session, had I agreed to a Brazilian wax without realizing it?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Wait…YESSSSSSSSS! FUCK!!!! She viciously rips out my ass hair.
Awkward Moment #4: Spread ‘Em
I am shocked. Stunned. Shaking life a leaf. Sweat is dripping from my temples, and I’m scared that I may fart if I stay in happy baby pose for much longer. What the hell just happened? Is she finished yet? No. She’s not. Apparently there’s more. She tells me to lay on my side. Figuring it can’t get any worse, I do. She tells me to pull my right butt cheek to the side. AWKWARD. She smears more hot wax in between my cheeks and rips the last bit of hair from my now practically hairless body. I gotta get outta here before I accidentally agree for her to do something else to me.
Awkward Moment #5: The Viewing
Helen now stands back to admire her masterpiece that is my vagina. She says: I like. Proud of her work, she takes an enormous hand mirror from the wall. I stare into the mirror at my petrified, humiliated, violated and practically bare va-jay-jay and say: Nice job, Helen. My next appointment is in four weeks.
– Chelle Matthews