Part Two: Mystery Science Wedding 3000

The blog debate is devolving into anarchy. Dustin won’t stop screaming at the tweets that appear on CNN’s news ticker, and CBass suggested that perhaps all the ladies in attendance have stapled their hats to their heads. The boys have made a series of tasteless Princess Diana jokes, none of which Katie thought The Tangential’s discerning audience would appreciate. You’re welcome.

4:32 a.m., Dustin and CBass reveal more ignorance.

“You guys are confusing the entire wedding party with conductors, aren’t you?”

“I’ve seen Tom and Jerry, so I know that only a conductor can get away with that coat.”

4:42 a.m., CBass explains royal succession.

“I’m sure the Queen gives great hand jobs. How else do you get to be Queen?”

4:48 a.m., Dustin forgets this is in England.

“Hey, they’re driving on the wrong side of the road! Come on, people! Safety first!”

4:53 a.m., the boys discuss fashion again.

“Wait, I know a designer! Um…Ralph Lauren?”

“Yes. You’ve got it. Kate’s dress is a Ralph Lauren.”

“I don’t know if it’s the point of that dress, but I think I can see that chick’s nipple. Sweet. This wedding is finally paying off.”

5:01 a.m., as Kate Middleton exits the carriage.

“Ooooh! Hey!”

“You know she’s about to get married, right?”

“What color of dress are you supposed to wear if you’re a total whore? C’mon camera, get an upskirt!”

Katie prays for quiet as the ceremony starts, even though she knows better.

5:05 a.m., the boys make cultural references.

“This reminds me of the end of the Star Wars movie.”

“Yeah, this is like the end of an epic movie without anything interesting happening before hand.”

“Well, considering the shit we’ve been getting from George Lucas lately, this is probably as interesting as anything he’d produce.”

“I just want Harry to stand next to William and, after they’re married, make a Wookie growl.”

5:18 a.m., the boys are getting restless.

“Where the fuck is Paul Hogan? He’s a national treasure!”

“Yeah, this isn’t a wedding ring, it’s an onion ring! From Outback Steakhouse!”

“Wait, was that it? Is that what we watched for an hour and a half for?”

“Nah, just wait. Now they’re going to fuck on the altar.”

5:22 a.m., Dustin remarks on Princess Beatrice’s hat.

“Look out Dick Tracy, that octopus is behind you! Get out of the way, Dick Tracy!”

“That’s not Dick Tracy, Dustin. That’s the Queen.

The living room momentarily falls asleep during the Bishop of London’s sermon, because if there’s anything more boring than a Catholic wedding it’s an Anglican Royal Wedding. The boys are threatening mutiny.

“I think the Archbishop of Canterbury needs to roll a 20-sided die to see if the vows stick.”

“Who are these two ugly fucktards? Who are…who…euuuuughhh. Fuck.”

“Goddamnit, this feels just like being in a real wedding, except you can’t be getting a handie from a bridesmaid.”

5:53 a.m., chaos descends during “God Save the Queen.”

“Wait, they took our fucking song?”

“No, we took theirs. Definitely.”

“Oh fuck them! They took our fucking song!”

As the 6 a.m. hour falls like a drunken Lancashire girl in a mini skirt, fake angel wings, and platform heels, the boys get into a fist fight on the floor over who gets to date Pippa Middleton on which days of the week. Dustin insists he gets Fridays and Saturdays, CBass considers one weekend day to be unfair. They settle on letting Pippa decide.

–Katie Sisneros, Dustin Saunders, and Chris Bastedo