Styles of Making Yourself a Hot Chick

Styles of Making Yourself a Hot Chick


Being a Girl-Bro: Do you like to take a Totinos pizza, fold it in half, and eat it like a taco? (We call that Sisneros-style) You just might be able to bro down with the best of them. Other indicators that dudes like your dudeliness: You refuse handicaps on Smash Bros., you can burp the lyrics of a Beastie Boys song and you know the difference between indica and sativa pot.

Being Both Laid-Back and Big-Boobed: We’ve all known this girl. She doesn’t necessarily wear makeup, diet or plan her outfits, but she laughs a lot and seems like she doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her. You wonder why boys like her so much, until you realize she has a zen-like method of relaxing people and also … totally gigantic tits.

The Traditional Formula: Hot, thin and tan is the American hot equivalent of a sausage and pepperoni pizza with extra cheese. It tends to work. But just like the pizza, an unimaginative combo of these traits can limit your clientele to suburban bros with grease acne.

The Dumb, Innocent Baby Girl: This girl talks an octave higher than everyone else and is adamant about her fascination with bubble tea, cupcakes and genetically mutated tiny-fruits. Some boys like this and will indeed go to hell for their sins.

The Rich Bitch: Nice Coach purse. Nice drug dealer boyfriend. Nice fancy chemical peel/bikini wax. The Rich Bitch has her shit in order, down the hairlessness of her every crevasse. Getting with her is kind of like paying to sit around at an oxygen bar – expensive, smooth and non-refundable.

Being a Mysterious, Troubled Scenester: This chick is known to dress like a Black Eyed Peas backup dancer – striped tights, themed color-coordination and androgynous hair. But she’s thin, giggly and good with drug paraphernalia, making it totally hot. Best of all, she’s recovering from a dark past (meth?) and likes to keep her personal details behind closed doors, meaning she’d rather talk about Chomsky than herself.

The Bi-Curious Chick: This chick is open about her sexuality. The Kinsey scale is her religion, and she wants to explore her personal gradient of sexuality every time she drinks a long island iced tea. When she’s drunk around dudes, she insists that all girls are secretly into other chicks, fueling every man’s delusion that a 3-way is in his future.

The Fashionista: The Fashionista spends hours on Lookbook.nu, cultivating her fan base of gay boys and fishnet fanatacists. Her coat is an insider reference to Bonnie and Clyde and she’s frustrated that everyday boys just don’t get it.

Becky Lang