Twelve reasons you might think I’m gay, presented in order of increasing gayness

Twelve reasons you might think I’m gay, presented in order of increasing gayness

12. I’m 35 years old and I’ve never been married. In Minnesota, that’s going to make people wonder.

11. My college major was early childhood education. For a guy to teach preschool may seem really gay, but actually, among all the other men I’ve ever met in early childhood education—granted, that’s not a lot of men—none have been gay. Even one guy who I was sure had to be gay: not gay.

10. I’ve been known to wear a short-sleeve t-shirt over a long-sleeve t-shirt. I’ve been told this is a very gay thing to do. In the 90s, though, it was a popular look for hipster/stoner band guys. Of course, I’m not a hipster/stoner band guy either, so maybe I should just let this look go.

9. Most of my friends are straight women. You know how women say a gay guy is a girl’s best friend? Those women haven’t met me. Imagine what Sex and the City would be like if Charlotte was a straight guy, and that’s pretty much what Tangential staff brunches are like.

8. I own a leatherbound nail clipper set. An ex-girlfriend pulled this out of my medicine cabinet and raised her eyebrows at me. It was a gift from my godparents, okay?!

7. I used to work at the Disney Store. While it probably is true that guys working at the Disney Store are more likely to be gay than guys not working at the Disney Store, it is not true that all guys who work at the Disney Store are gay.

6. I was a theater kid. I could never sing or dance very well, though.

5. My favorite musical artists include Robyn, Tegan and Sara, and Rufus Wainwright. I can’t argue with you on this one: my iPod is really quite gay.

4. I once used the term “VPL.” I immediately learned that this is not something you should do as a guy if you want women to believe that you are not gay.

3. I publicly cross-dress. But only at gunpoint. (Image above from Freaky Deeky.)

2. I’m known for pole-dancing. Lately my friends and I have been often going to this bar called Honey, where there are two load-bearing poles in the middle of the dance floor. Since that night when I tried to make the two poles jealous of each other, Katie says she won’t get married—to me or to anyone—unless the reception has a pole for me to dance on. So I guess this is a thing now.

1. I made out with a guy. You may have wondered, why do straight guys think it’s hot if they can get straight girls to make out with each other, but straight girls never try to get straight guys to make out with each other? Well, I am here to tell you that it happens—and if the girl making the request is sufficiently sexy, the guys will totally do it.

Jay Gabler