My Favorite Whiners

My Favorite Whiners


Whining is a seriously undervalued skill. What people have to understand is that things can always be better. No matter how good the moment is, we should appreciate those who take the opportunity to point out things that could make it better. These non-conformists are smart and approach problems in new ways. Thirsty? Lay down on the couch and complain that you’re parched. Voila! Someone brings you a water. You wouldn’t believe how many suckers would just get their own drink.

Anyways, as a whine-connoisseur I have a lot of favorite whiners:

Holden Caulfield. Seriously. Is anyone a bigger whiner this kid? He comes from a good family, goes to private school, and seems to be intelligent and good-looking but nothing is good enough for him. He complains about everything. His friends are such phonies, his luggage is too expensive, and no, for the last time, he can’t make small talk with you because its taxing and boring and so prosaic. Dude even turns down sex with a hooker so that he can whine about not having sex with a hooker.

John McEnroe. Growing up, a lot of people (parents) tell you its important to be a good sport. If these are the same people who are aware of the existence of John McEnroe then they are like those kids who continue to believe in Santa even after they see their dad eat the Santa cookies. Johnny Mac showed me that the shelf life of your fame greatly increases with your ability to throw a good tantrum. Cha-ching.

Cats. All cats are whiners. But they’re so good at it they usually don’t even have to communicate their whines out loud. Their whole existence is a whine. They look at you as if they’re saying “WHY would you burden me with the awful unending pain of suffering your stupidity. UGH.”

Kanye West. Before Kanye, whining had a weekly gig at the 400 bar. Kanye saw its potential and non whining is on a worldwide sold-out summer tour. He made whining what it is today.

People who are litigious. These are my favorite whiners on a macro level. I may not like people who are litigious in person, but think of all they’ve done for the world! No longer is your coffee served to you too hot, haunted houses too scary, no longer must you bear the weight of your own suffering ignorance. Litigious folk have really increased the ability of your average moron to feel superior.

Jesus Christ. Seems like just about everything harshed this guys buzz. What a whiner! No one believed he was the son of god, so he performed a bunch of miracles. He fed the hungry and gave blind people sight, he even brought Lazarus back from the dead but still got zero appreciation [via crucifixion]. So finally he resurrects himself and peaces out for the next few millennia to really stick it to all those unbelievers. Passive aggressive much?

Chrissy Stockton

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