An in-depth look at the fascinating world of today’s man
GET AN IN-DEPTH LOOK AT THE FASCINATING WORLD OF TODAY’S MAN. Join host Cris Collinsworth INSIDE THE VAULT™. A spirited new series exploring the passions and pastimes of the classic American male—from innovative gadgets to the perfect steak to extreme adventures. (advertisement)
“Hello, this is Jay.”
“Hi, Jay. My name is Cris Collinsworth, and I’m with the television network WGN America. I’m calling with some really exciting news for you.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. We’re working on a new show called Inside the Vault, about the classic American male, and after extensive research, we’ve decided that you, Jay, are the classic American male.”
“Me?”
“Yes, Jay, you are the very model of today’s man.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m a little confused here. What are the qualities you were looking for in a ‘classic’ man?”
“Well, Jay, it’s all about your strong passions and your fascinating pastimes. For example, your innovative gadgets. Today’s man likes innovative gadgets, and you have ’em all. You have a MacBook, an iPad, an iPhone, and an iPod—but what really seals the deal is your walking pencil sharpener in the shape of a robot.”
“Oh, yeah. When you sharpen your pencil, the shavings go into his head and it winds him up. Because he was made in China, I call him Mao Tse Ding.”
“Exactly. What an innovative gadget! Then, Jay, there’s your love of perfect steaks.”
“I do enjoy a good steak.”
“That’s what I’m saying. We learned that you were a vegetarian for several months in 2009…”
“Yes, I was dating a strict vegetarian, so I went vegetarian out of respect for her.”
“Today’s man is respectful, Jay. That’s a point in your favor. But our investigators learned that the very day after the two of you broke up, you got down on some pot roast hash at the Modern Cafe.”
“That’s true.”
“Classic. Absolutely classic. Finally, there’s your insatiable appetite for extreme adventures.”
“I went skydiving once. There’s a whole page on my health insurance contract about it.”
“So extreme. You are not a man who’s content with the day-to-day humdrum. That was yesterday’s man, happy to sit and push paper. You, Jay, are today’s man. You like to skydive.”
“Well, once.”
“And you bike in the wintertime.”
“Yes, but that’s…”
“Extreme! That’s what that is. Now, Jay, I don’t want to take any more of your time. I’m sure you were doing something manly that you need to get back to.”
“I was Photoshopping a picture of Rebecca Black.”
“I don’t know who that is, but I’m sure she’s very foxy. Now, what I’d like to do at this point is to make an appointment to get inside your vault.”
“That’s not a euphemism, is it?”
“No, Jay, today’s man is still heterosexual. Maybe tomorrow’s man will be gay, but today’s man, like yesterday’s, is straight. If the two of us had sex, that would ruin the whole premise of the show.”
“I see.”
“So when can we get inside your vault?”
“My room?”
“Well, wherever it is that you keep all your innovative gadgets.”
“That would be my shoulder bag.”
“What? Is that like a purse?”
“No, no. It’s a very manly brown leather bag.”
“Oh, whew! And you wear it with the strap going diagonally across your chest, right?”
“No, I usually carry it straight off one shoulder. Is that okay? Hello? Cris? Are you there? Hello?”