Menthol:

You’re not afraid of dying and/or you are a member of People More Prone to Get AIDS (gay/black/ultra-promiscuous).
How you want to die: At a pot luck, in a room by yourself watching TV, or doing poppers in the bathroom. You’re living life and not giving a fuck. 

American Spirits:

You’re a hippie or hipster in the market for a healthy way to kill yourself (no added chemicals, bro).
How you want to die: Herion overdose at age 26. Your funeral should be quirky, involving cannons, ashes, and large bodies of water. 

Parliaments:

You want a cigarette that matches your outfit and shows you have an extra few dollars on hand at all times. Maybe you have been accused of being a “yuppy” and you want to regain some of your cred by purposely hurting yourself. Would a yuppy do THAT? I don’t think so. Also, hear you can snort coke outta those.
How you want to die: Somewhere really authentic, where people finally see that I’m a true artist. Or in the midst of an orgasm while having sex on fur. 

Marb Red:

You have Carharts or you are at an AA meeting
How you want to die: In a knife fight at a bar, listening to “Freebird” during that part where it really picks up and gets all intense and the hair on your neck starts tingling. 

Winstons:

You are poor. You might have ash stains on your sweatpants.
How you want to die: After winning the lotto, in a big ol hot tub with Stacey’s huge ass titties in your face. 

Camel Lights:

You just started smoking cigarettes.
How you want to die: In bed like everyone else. I just smoke socially. I’ll give this up in a couple years. 

Lucky Strikes:

You’re into vintage cars, Levis, and form-fitting white shirts with the pack folded into the sleeve.
How you want to die: While driving a vintage Porsche along the southern California coast then smashing into a another car during the height of your rebellious movie career. 

Combination Cigarettes, like Parliament Menthols:

You’re slightly schizophrenic. You work hard and play hard and your mom sometimes worries that you party too much.
How you want to die: “It’s kinda like I wanna die of AIDS while wearing nice clothes.” 

Newports:

You are black or wish you were.
How you want to die: In a mansion, after getting shot up, then falling into a fountain with a neon sign in the background that says “The World Is Yours.”

-Jon [name removed]