March Madness is back! You almost can’t escape all the March Madness talk, about the teams, and the brackets and whatnot. I don’t follow basketball, so whenever people start talking about it, I just start thinking about something that interests me way more: In a battle for world domination, which Disney kingdom would defeat all the others? Here’s how I think it would go down in a single-elimination tournament.
JASMINE vs. CINDERELLA
Both sides here have the loyalty of a magical patron who is useful in a pinch. However, the Fairy Godmother’s skill at temporarily changing things into other, slightly more useful things is no match for the Genie’s ability to produce people and things out of thin air with the manic speed of Robin Williams. And Jasmine has a palace of Taj Mahal proportions and the Sultan’s wealth and territory is so vast no one bats an eye when she has suitors from places no one’s ever even heard of (see: fictional Price Ali). The prince of Cinderella’s realm met every eligible maiden in his kingdom in a matter of hours. Cinderella’s bitty country is crushed by Jasmine’s super-aggressive Agraba police force without her army even getting involved. JASMINE wins.
ARIEL vs. POCAHANTAS
Pocahantas’ Powhatan warriors suffer an unexpectedly early defeat at the hands of Prince Eric’s ragtag sailors. Most of them are killed by smallpox before Ariel can even call in her dad. ARIEL wins.
SNOW WHITE vs. MAID MARIAN
In the first battles, Snow White’s Western European kingdom seems to overwhelmed by Crusade-era-cartoon-animal-England’s pachyderm army as Snow White’s human soldiers are overrun by the rhinos with battle axes and herald elephants. However, Snow White’s kingdom is rich in natural resources, and she leans hard on her dwarf allies to produce huge numbers of diamonds to fund reinforcements, which ultimately win the day. SNOW WHITE wins.
BAMBI vs. MULAN
The Prince of the Forest’s low seed pits his ill-organized force of woodland creatures against China. China’s proficiency with gunpowder allows them to create a forest fire that makes the one in the Bambi film look like votive candle. Bambi’s forces are slaughtered, and largely turned into delicious venison. MULAN wins.
ARIEL vs. SNOW WHITE
Ariel’s regional rivals were all defeated in the first round except for a now-broke-ass Snow White. Snow White exhausted her mines, the dwarves have turned resentful and are striking, and Snow White’s forces have been reduced to one loyal, big-hearted woodsman and a creepy-faced magic mirror. It’s a cakewalk. ARIEL wins.
MULAN vs. JASMINE
Having just finished training for a major conflict, Mulan’s forces are better trained and equipped than Jasmine’s, but Mulan overplays her hand. Without any real royal authority over her fellow soldiers, she has trouble forcing them over mountainous central Asia to meet Jasmine’s army. She faces a rash of defections, and by the time she meets the enemy, the massive Chinese army has been reduced to a band of plucky cross-dressers. The entire group is beheaded, because Abrabah has some very strict punishments for crimes. JASMINE wins.
JASMINE vs. ARIEL
The final battle pits arguably two of the most powerful people in the Disney universe against each other. They’re opposite sides of the same coin: Jasmine’s father rules a huge swath of desert, Ariel is princess of the ENTIRE OCEAN as well as a seafaring (maybe Scandinavian?) nation. Big cats follow Jasmine’s directions, fish follow Ariel’s. Both look like their waists might snap under the weight of their butt-length hair, both have bangs that defy gravity. From the looks of it, this battle could go into overtime. And would have to take place at the beach.
Ariel’s merpeople surround the Arabian peninsula and Jasmine’s troops meet them at the shore. A sort of awkward battle where no one can really gain any ground ensues. The battle drags on and morale starts to flag. The Genie, once Jasmine and the Sultan’s greatest asset, is really starting to wear on everyone. The two sides ultimately sign a treaty agreeing to split the world into two empires if both sides agree the Genie will die. So in the middle of like his millionth fucking Jack Nicholson impression, King Triton plunges his triton through the genie’s chest.
WINNER: ARIEL and JASMINE tie.
Editor’s note: Funny that this also came down to the hottest two princesses. -B.L.