Tap Water: I’m frugal and not afraid of yuppy germ hysteria. I am also not afraid of Velveeta cheese.
Footwear = Jerry Seinfeld shoes.

Commercially Bottled Water: I’m into being healthy, but don’t really care about the environment.
Footwear = Nike Shox.

Water in Nalgene: I’m into being eco-friendly & natural, but not so obsessed that I’ve read blogs informing me that these containers cause cancer.
Footwear = New Balance.

Water in BPA-free Metal Container: I am the best kind of white human. I own a carabiner.
Footwear = those shoes that look like feet.

Hand-Drawn Spring Water in a Mason Jar: I wear gems and am really into “energy.” 60% chance of an unkempt bush/armpit hair.
Footwear = barefoot “Just trying to feel the Earth, man.”

Water with Kool Aid: I am black. If I’m not black, I’m drinking this because I’m in a cult and we’re committing mass suicide right now, later bro!
Footwear = Air Jordans, Birkenstocks

– Jonathan [name witheld] drinks Kool Aid out of a metal container.