Creating Online Dating Profiles for People I Don’t Like

Creating Online Dating Profiles for People I Don’t Like


 

Christopher:

Average guy seeking good, Catholic girl to have my children and laugh at my racist jokes. Tall blondes preferred. Must enjoy cooking and cleaning, as I can barely pick up after myself and have trouble following the printed, step-by-step instructions on most food labels. I compensate for this by dining out for every meal. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it. Applebee’s, yum!

I have a sales job downtown in the bulk medical supply industry. When I’m not keeping local hospitals stocked with germ masks and latex gloves, I enjoy volunteering at my church and going out for happy hour at Hard Rock or Old Chicago when they have 2-for-1 Bud Lights. My favorite activities are playing the same four Aerosmith songs on every jukebox I encounter, being the most competitive member of my co-ed indoor soccer team, and cursing at the TV during Packer games. My favorite food is microwave popcorn.

Although I’m college educated, I feel self-conscious about my average IQ in the presence of people smarter than me. I mask this insecurity by constantly interrupting people and talking louder than everyone else in the room.  Sometimes to disguise the true level of my intelligence, I bark out misogynistic rap lyrics or random advertising slogans as if I have Tourette Syndrome. A friend of mine once suggested I could only date deaf girls, but this is not possible because I tend to ask a lot of questions and because I’m afraid of what my friends might say if I dated a disabled person. In summary, I am looking for a passive and agreeable woman with the ability to answer dozens of simple and insignificant questions every day without making me feel stupid. My biggest fear is dying alone.

No fatties.

Stats:

Age 29

Height 6’2”

Body type: Athletic.

Religion:  Catholic.

Wants kids:  Yes, and soon.

Smokes:  No, it’s gross.

Drinks:  Happy hour!

Pets:   Beta fish (2) keep dying.

Who He Is: A guy who invites me to watch pay-per-view UFC fights in his basement every third weekend. We played golf together in high school until he got thrown off the team for swearing wildly and breaking a 3-wood over his knee after slicing a drive out of bounds at the state tournament.


Eugene:

Enlightened gentleman seeking mature, modern woman to listen to an endless number of long, self-applauding stories about my youth. Must possess the ability to retain consciousness during extended periods of extreme boredom. It is not at all important that you have any interesting stories of your own because I will never actually listen to you. Instead, I’ll wait for you to take a breath, then interject and one-up whatever it was you were talking about with my own tangent about the time I spent guarding sea turtle nesting beaches in Hawaii. I am oblivious to most attempts at breaking conversation, so if you find yourself needing to use the bathroom or, for whatever reason, considering the human experience of someone other than myself, you may hold up a yellow index card, which I will interpret as a sign to continue blabbering on about my pointless anecdote until you have slipped into a coma.

Bonus points if you’re into Wicca (I moderate a pretty important Pagan message board on the internet), overacting (I like to speak loudly and link cliches together), and classic literature (did I tell you I have a poem published in the Library of Congress? It’s a coming of age sonnet about seagulls as metaphors for life). I enjoy going out to eat, but I’m very particular about being seated next families with small children so that I can lean over to the kids, coo at them, and touch their faces without asking their parents. When the children cry, I’ll make a terrifying clown face that I think is cute, then I’ll tell you about how my mother used to treat my colic with brandy.

I have so much love to give and just need to find the right person to share it with. That is, a person who won’t make every effort to avoid engaging in conversation with me.

Will consider open or non-traditional relationships.

Stats:

Age:  59

Height:  5′ 7”

Body type:  A little extra.

Religion:  Other (Pagan).

Wants kids Looking to adopt yours.

Smokes:  Used to in the army reserve.

Drinks:  Rarely.

Pets:  Has cats (5).

How I Know Him: A guy who works at the counter of the only cafeteria on campus. He once lectured me for parking 3 inches over the line of the last handicap space in a row of ten unoccupied handicap spaces.


Richard:

Aspiring filmmaker seeking busty, simpleminded woman to talk about movies with and possibly take my virginity. Must not be revolted by my obvious and heavy-handed attempts to look cool by wearing stupid hats and shooting finger-pistols instead of waving to people I know. Attraction or indifference to patchy and uneven beards is a plus. Should be able to name at least three X-Men characters.

On the weekends I lead a paranormal investigation team called The Spirit Seekers. We go into abandoned apartment buildings in the suburbs, shine flashlights around, and ask each other every couple minutes, “OMG! Did you feel that?” You can find some of our spookiest adventures on YouTube, but make sure the lights are on when you watch them.

I like going to movies, but you probably won’t like going with me. If the movie is good, I’ll spew facts about the supporting actress and compliments about the cinematography. If the movie sucks, I’ll say things like, “Oh, the aliens are allergic to water? That’s convenient,” and, “Nicholas Cage has the acting ability of a sheet of paper.” No matter how bad the movie is, I will not make out with you in the theater. You may find this frustrating, but the cinema is hallowed ground just like a church or a graveyard, which are also places I won’t make out with you.

Please message me if you have a Cat Woman costume.

Stats:

Age:  22

Height:  5′ 9”

Body type:  Average.

Religion:  The Bible.

Wants kids In a few years.

Smokes:  Cigars to look cool.

Drinks:  Dislikes taste of beer.

Pets:  Dog (1). Only source of affection.

How I Know Him: We were in a fiction writing workshop together. He always brought in screenplays about rebel girls with big tits, which were really just bad mash-ups of cult classic movies. Pretty sure he set his phone to ring in class every week to appear popular.

Ben Findlay finds exciting new uses for his creative writing degree every day.

  • Suzanne Nielsen

    Ben Findlay’s work rocks in every sense of the word.