What Really Caused the Quake in Japan?

The quake and subsequent tsunamis that happened in Japan were nothing short of a disaster. The damage includes destroyed homes, wrecked businesses, and a possible nuclear disaster. It is indeed a horrific tragedy, but while the government works to contain the damage and protect it’s people, intel has leaked that suggests that this incident may be the fault of none other than Godzilla.

Many might ask, “How could Godzilla be responsible for something like this? Didn’t he stop attacking Tokyo and start defending it later on in the series?” This is a good question, and upon reviewing the Godzilla documentary series, I have confirmed that to be true. This yields the next logical conclusion, that Godzilla was defending Tokyo from a threat even greater than a tsunami.

As we saw in the documentary Godzilla vs. Biollante, lingering Godzilla cells (typically called G-Cells by Japanese scientists) can be used to create new monsters from plants or other animals. This is the most likely reason why the Japanese government has not issued a statement regarding Godzilla’s involvement: they want to conceal the fact that they have been dumping unused G-Cells by the drum into the ocean off the coast of Shirakawa.

But what could have been infected? And could a battle between Godzilla and this new monster cause a tsunami? The answer is an astounding “Sure.”

For a long time, Japan has had issues with jellyfish attacks, and they seem like an extremely likely candidate for the mutation. This theory is strengthened by the fact that scientists have noted that swarms of moving jellyfish may stir the ocean with as much force as its winds and tides. It doesn’t take much imagination to figure out that if a swarm of small jellyfish could terrorize an entire coastline, then a swarm of large mutant jellyfish could destroy the entire country.

Taking that information, and also our understanding that Godzilla will always attack when he “senses a hated enemy” (as seen in the documentary King Kong vs. Godzilla), one can presume that a large undersea battle definitely took place. According to some quick mental math, it is definitely possible that an epic undersea battle between Godzilla and a swarm of large jellyfish could have produced enough force to generate the destructive waves that pounded Japan’s coast.

Undoubtedly, in this situation, a quake could easily be the result of a misplaced energy beam fired from Godzilla, which he has been responsible for doing before. However, given the fact that the quake was an 8.9 magnitude, there would need to be an additional source of vibrational disruption. This can be explained by Godzilla eating dozens of poisonous jellyfish. Reptiles such as the Sea Turtle are apt to eat jellyfish, and you could assume that the trend would scale up to a larger sea creature such as Godzilla. Godzilla’s natural diet would not normally consist of jellyfish, so ingesting them would cause gas to be released as his digestive system and the flora in his stomach adapt to the new food.

I could not find mathematical data on force generated by expelling flatus, so I conducted an experiment. To gather the data needed, I released gas while sitting on a chair and was able to feel the vibration through my feet on the floor. Considering that it wasn’t even a “good one,” the amount of disruption caused was nothing short of significant. This result suggests that yes, the quake could have been caused by dinosaur farts. Dinosaur farts and jellyfish.

But the truth of the situation will likely never be known, and who knows what lengths the Japanese government will go to conceal the information forever. But as long as intellectual and observant citizens of the world keep their eyes and ears open, then the truth will never be buried.

P.S. A friend of mine suggested a competing theory called ”Plate Tectonics,” but I could find no factual or relevant data to support it at this time.

-Dustin Saunders, dokyumentari ha nande arukawo shitte imasen. (Translation: who does not understand what documentary means.)