Kowalski’s
Hey, moneybags! It must be nice to have such heavy pockets, huh? Sometimes you just need to grab some $6 organic tonic water to sip on before your morning treadmill run, and Kowalski’s is the place to do it. Ok, I was just trying to psych you out a little bit. Keep you on your well-manicured toes. Kowalski’s is magical. Their deli is full of so many wonders that they must have a pancetta-slicing crew of elves working overnight to get it ready for your starry gaze. Plus, they have free samples, free coffee and a pasta bar. It’s ok to prefer Kowalski’s, if you can afford it. You probably listened to Il Divo on your way over, don’t you? That’ll be our secret.

Rainbow
It’s hard to sum up Rainbow shoppers in one paragraph. They are, to make a cute pun, as diverse as the Rainbow! Strolling past the pepper section, you will experience many languages, many shades of hipster, many degrees of homo and many different murmuring styles of crazy. One thing I can tell is that you probably aren’t wearing a monocle like our posh Kowalski’s shopper up there. You buy store brand soda on occasion – what’s up Roundy’s Classic Cream! – and your drink of choice is the ever classic rail. To relax hardcore, you probably like hitting up the Redbox and smoking a bowl. Ahh.

The Wedge
Oh you, you Wedge shopper you. You’re so cute. You biked here, didn’t you? I knew it. You care about The Earth and the toxin level of today’s children. You know what “The Green Revolution” refers to and why it was bad. Up close, you smell like Tom’s of Maine, organic lavender and hemp leaves, with a dash of Fair Trade on your breath. What do you use for condoms? Are they all natural? Oh, you have to go? The basil-by-the-bunch is running out? The bakery is on its last mint matcha cookie? Run! Don’t forget to grab a sample of fresh Wisconsin sharp cheddar on your way out!

Lunds
See Kowalski’s, except remove the part about the samples and the magical deli. Lunds does have samples, and they do have a deli, but it’s Not the Same. Kowalski’s is a labyrinth of impossible wonders, and Lunds is a long stretch of tasty delights. Do you see the difference? Either way, you guys are both cut of the same cloth. You probably both like jet skiing and goat cheese and salt scrub and the occasional Girl Scout Cookie. Go get your Mint Water and keep shopping.

–Becky Lang clearly shops at all of these grocery stores, but Rainbow is her mainstay.