The Revised Guide to Having a Politically-Correct Courting Experience with a Woman You Care About

The Revised Guide to Having a Politically-Correct Courting Experience with a Woman You Care About

So I wrote A Guide to Fucking Hipster Girls a couple weeks ago and it seemed to get a lot of people really mad. In fact, I made a word cloud from the many angry comments:

From their feedback, I learned just how wrong I was. After sincerely reading all of these obviously accurate observations about me, I decided to change.

I now officially renounce everything I had ever said about courting women, and present to you “The Revised Guide to Having a Politically-Correct Courting Experience with a Woman You Care about.” Please let this new, enlightened version serve to completely negate my previous, piggish entry:

So are you a loving, but under-appreciated man that would like to have a long-term relationship with one quality woman but have been having trouble? Don’t fret, we’ve got you covered with eight easy steps to forming a non-patriarchal relationship that in no way advances rape culture or degrades women.

1. Do not have a project going on. People like you for you. Instead, live at home and play video games in your parents’ basement. Occasionally leave your subterranean enclave so you can work 30 hours per week at a video game store.

2. Do not have money. Spend what little you do have on video game consoles and blue tooth headsets. Any time you are involved in an activity, have no means to finance it. It’s fine; people love freeloaders. Especially given the fact that you have no projects going on, any woman would be grateful to drive you around and always pay for everything.

3. Do not have drugs. Real men don’t need to do drugs to get into a girl’s pants. “Just sayin’.” Do not let drugs have any part of your social interactions. Real relationships are forged from minds pure from the scours of altered mindstates. No cocaine. No weed. No whiskey. Cigarettes have nicotine, so those are out, too. If she suggests drinking coffee, that might involve caffeine. ABORT!! ABORT!!

4. Dress however you want with absolutely no intention of luring in women or communicating that you belong to any subculture. Be comfortable. The right woman will find your Cheeto-encrusted sweatpants adorable.

5.  Do not have tea. Being thoughtful about other people’s intended drink choices shows you care too much about making a good impression. Instead, stock the fridge with only drinks you like. If a woman does not want to drink Mt. Dew when they come over, then they’ll be perfectly happy sipping exclusively on tap water (no ice cubes) while sitting in your parent’s basement. Fair trade is bad. Expensive is bad.

6.  Do not be funny. Women do not like to laugh. Women like to hear long-winded, infinitely-detailed accounts of how you fragged your opponent on X-Box Live. If by accident, you say something that makes her people laugh, leave immediately. You do not want to be regarding as an amusing person to talk to.

7.  Do not go to the right spots. Go to the wrong spots. It’s very easy to meet a quality woman at places where they do not congregate. Great places to meet women include Monster Truck Rallies, male locker rooms, fraternity meetings and your parents’ basement. It is very common for women to knock on random doors to see if a basement-dwelling, unkempt, unmotivated schlep lives there. Lucky for them, you do!!

8. Do not be friends with any GLBTQ. People in the queer community are never discriminated against and rarely feel alienated in a society. The fact that they cannot marry is completely fine with them. Because GLBTQ are so universally loved, don’t worry about inviting them to parties or reaching out to them in any way. Ignore GLBTQ people; as a group they simply do not need your friendship or any support from outside of the community.

I sincerely hope these 8 steps help in your quest to finding your soulmate. Best of luck!!

Before becoming a “literary rapist,” Jonathan double-majored in Philosophy and Political Science with a focus on Women’s Studies. While TA-ing for a women’s political history class, he worked (with inspiration from Jackson Katz) to create an inclusive Vagina Monologues event, involving all genders, which he also performed in.

The event raised over $21,000 for a local women’s shelter, nearly doubling the prior year’s proceeds.  Despite his tangible contributions to helping women, he now realizes that time is much better spent writing venomous comments on blogs that real rapists don’t even read.

EDITOR’S NOTE: “A Guide to Fucking Hipster Girls” was originally published on February 24th, on this site. A watered-down version, attributed to “anonymous” was then published in The Water Tower, a Vermont college alternative paper. It was then reflected upon on a campus blog called Feministing.

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  • Yawn And Eyeroll

    You still don’t get it. In your narrow little world (not the only narrow little thing I suspect) men are either manipulating posers or cliched video game addled geeks. I won’t even go into the fact that I know men in that industry who not only defy your every stereotype but have successful relationships with women. Instead I’m going to argue with #3 (“Don’t Have Drugs”). I think you need to do lots of drugs, particularly the kind that expand consciousness. I think you need to do anything that expands consciousness. And also, if your major included a focus in Women’s Studies, I think your parents should demand whatever money they paid for your higher education back.

    • Jesus H. Christ you’re a fucking idiot times infinity times a million plus SIXTY NINE YEAHHHHHH!!!!!

  • Maven

    I can’t believe you finished up this incredibly weak series by trying to get a feminist cookie for raising money for a women’s shelter. If you’re an ally, then be a fucking ally and stop going for a) cheap laughs or b) pissy false penitence.

  • Ignore these people!

    I found both articles worthy of chuckles. It’s not their fault they either have poor reading comprehension or just enjoy getting offended. I still can’t understand how you’re a rapist or a homophobe. I do understand why extremism is entertaining. Keep writing!

  • Attention blog commenters: for a limited time I am offering a 20% discount on recalibration service for all models of sarcasm detectors. If you find yourself mostly alone, not getting jokes, and flying off the handle about shit on the internet, your model may be in need of service. Please see my website for details.

    * This special good for last weekend only, and the coupon must be printed out.

  • I think I need a Tangential tattoo. Just so I can promote rape and homophobia. <3!!!!!

  • I wholeheartedly support this article and what it communicates to the reader. Any ladies available out there? I’ve got like 15k gamer points on xbox live.

  • C354673008

    what a loser

  • Jorge Casas

    you are really lame

  • Penis

    rape culture aint going to perpetuate itself. BIGGEST SIGH EVER

  • Burn

    LMAO!!! Both articles are funny.

  • Just Kidding :)

    Oh, sensitive towards women are you? ANOTHER tell-tale sign of a rapist… Gonna write ANOTHER article about THAT!?!?

  • Anonymous

    “See how much I HELP women? I once supported a V-Day campaign! Once I even raised more money for a women’s shelter than those ineffective bitches could have raised on their own, so that PROVES I love women! I am allowed to perpetuate gender-myths and stereotypes about women, and then claim that’s not what I’m doing because I once took a few Women’s Studies courses! I LOVE WOMEN! Why don’t you humorless bitches show some gratitude for how much I HELP you! I’m so offended that you’ve dared to be offended! WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?!”

    Well, with friends like these…

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  • In writing an article or story for other story or issue, you
    should always consider the words and outcome of your comment because you don’t
    know what can cause it to others. It’s ok to commit mistakes for the first time
    but the 2nd time can never be accident, just learn from those

  • Both articles are hilarious. The second was bitchy in the BEST possible way. “Do not have tea.” Hah! Nice work.

  • Anonymous shaking his head

    Great articles, I thought the first one was well thought out and helpful for a geek like me, except, I got that it’s ACTUALLY meant to put me on the right track towards getting a girl I like, and well, it’s been working so far, haven’t had to resort to rape or anything. So yeah, love the new article just as much, hilarious as shit. Honestly women, I don’t know what you’re complaining about, he’s talking about catering to what the MAJORITY OF YOU WANT, now since you’re OBVIOUSLY NOT part of that majority (you don’t shave your lady-bits) how about you STOP commenting for the majority. Everyone else appears to be happy with the status quo, and KFLEMING, pull your head out from between your girlfriend’s legs. Who said anything about the author of this website actually living in Vermont? Somebody else could have just as easily taken the article and gotten it printed in that alt rag, and why the hell are you whining about an alt rag anyways? Shouldn’t you be going after the big sexist news corporations that deny you your right to speak or live how you want and perpetuate the world as it is? Everyone else on the internet has learned to regard the “alternative” websites like 4chan and the onion as jokes, so why don’t you apply the same reasoning to this website and that alt rag at school? Van Wilder once said, “Don’t take life too seriously, you’ll never make it out alive.” Heed his words, pick your battles, quit making yourselves look stupid, shave your lady-bits, and enjoy that we stupid loveless saps spend thousands of dollars on you and get NOTHING in return because you’re too stuck up and bitchy to even see that we’re TRYING.

  • anonymous

    Ladies I love you but responses like these show exactly why having a sense of humor and joking with you are not recommended. Emotions vs logical thought and your emotions win over your decision making every time. not that thats a bad thing but it leads to things like grossly overreacting to things and basing your judgements off of those overreactions.

  • anonymous

    I almost forgot to mention complete misinterpretation. Guys, DONT EVER JOKE WITH YOUR GF’S! lol

  • anonymous


  • me

    The first one was good and works. This one is funny as shit. You women just need to relax and enjoy life and stop bitching about stupid shit. I agree with all he said. I have alot of gay friends that toss m me pussy every chance they get. I make good money and spend it on you. I always have “party favors” around the house nefore i go out and i always try to be funny and dress for the place where i go. Ath the end of the day women like me and everyone respects me. He said what meny men are doing already that work. And you all fell for that shit atlease once in your life so calm down and grow up. Thanks john

  • Edison

    Wonderful piece, fuck whoever says otherwise