So I wrote A Guide to Fucking Hipster Girls a couple weeks ago and it seemed to get a lot of people really mad. In fact, I made a word cloud from the many angry comments:
From their feedback, I learned just how wrong I was. After sincerely reading all of these obviously accurate observations about me, I decided to change.
I now officially renounce everything I had ever said about courting women, and present to you “The Revised Guide to Having a Politically-Correct Courting Experience with a Woman You Care about.” Please let this new, enlightened version serve to completely negate my previous, piggish entry:
So are you a loving, but under-appreciated man that would like to have a long-term relationship with one quality woman but have been having trouble? Don’t fret, we’ve got you covered with eight easy steps to forming a non-patriarchal relationship that in no way advances rape culture or degrades women.
1. Do not have a project going on. People like you for you. Instead, live at home and play video games in your parents’ basement. Occasionally leave your subterranean enclave so you can work 30 hours per week at a video game store.
2. Do not have money. Spend what little you do have on video game consoles and blue tooth headsets. Any time you are involved in an activity, have no means to finance it. It’s fine; people love freeloaders. Especially given the fact that you have no projects going on, any woman would be grateful to drive you around and always pay for everything.
3. Do not have drugs. Real men don’t need to do drugs to get into a girl’s pants. “Just sayin’.” Do not let drugs have any part of your social interactions. Real relationships are forged from minds pure from the scours of altered mindstates. No cocaine. No weed. No whiskey. Cigarettes have nicotine, so those are out, too. If she suggests drinking coffee, that might involve caffeine. ABORT!! ABORT!!
4. Dress however you want with absolutely no intention of luring in women or communicating that you belong to any subculture. Be comfortable. The right woman will find your Cheeto-encrusted sweatpants adorable.
5. Do not have tea. Being thoughtful about other people’s intended drink choices shows you care too much about making a good impression. Instead, stock the fridge with only drinks you like. If a woman does not want to drink Mt. Dew when they come over, then they’ll be perfectly happy sipping exclusively on tap water (no ice cubes) while sitting in your parent’s basement. Fair trade is bad. Expensive is bad.
6. Do not be funny. Women do not like to laugh. Women like to hear long-winded, infinitely-detailed accounts of how you fragged your opponent on X-Box Live. If by accident, you say something that makes her people laugh, leave immediately. You do not want to be regarding as an amusing person to talk to.
7. Do not go to the right spots. Go to the wrong spots. It’s very easy to meet a quality woman at places where they do not congregate. Great places to meet women include Monster Truck Rallies, male locker rooms, fraternity meetings and your parents’ basement. It is very common for women to knock on random doors to see if a basement-dwelling, unkempt, unmotivated schlep lives there. Lucky for them, you do!!
8. Do not be friends with any GLBTQ. People in the queer community are never discriminated against and rarely feel alienated in a society. The fact that they cannot marry is completely fine with them. Because GLBTQ are so universally loved, don’t worry about inviting them to parties or reaching out to them in any way. Ignore GLBTQ people; as a group they simply do not need your friendship or any support from outside of the community.
I sincerely hope these 8 steps help in your quest to finding your soulmate. Best of luck!!
–Before becoming a “literary rapist,” Jonathan double-majored in Philosophy and Political Science with a focus on Women’s Studies. While TA-ing for a women’s political history class, he worked (with inspiration from Jackson Katz) to create an inclusive Vagina Monologues event, involving all genders, which he also performed in.
The event raised over $21,000 for a local women’s shelter, nearly doubling the prior year’s proceeds. Despite his tangible contributions to helping women, he now realizes that time is much better spent writing venomous comments on blogs that real rapists don’t even read.
EDITOR’S NOTE: “A Guide to Fucking Hipster Girls” was originally published on February 24th, on this site. A watered-down version, attributed to “anonymous” was then published in The Water Tower, a Vermont college alternative paper. It was then reflected upon on a campus blog called Feministing.