A Guide to Fucking Hipster Girls

A Guide to Fucking Hipster Girls


So you’re are a square or a bro and you wanna fuck those arty girls, but realize that you’re too mainstream to hit that shit? Don’t fret, we got you covered with 8 easy steps to getting that alt chick into your bed.

1. Have a project going on. You know that cousin who plays the ukulele in that psychill band, LunarTeat? Let them play a show in your garage and promote the hell out of it using words like “avant-garde,” “dissonance” and “nuanced.” Hang some tampons on the wall and you’ve got a ravewave scene that will help make sure you smush before the second set.

2. Have loot. Girls are girls. No matter how many times they claim to reject materialism, those drinks aren’t going to pay for themselves. Don’t flaunt your money, but always have enough cash so you have an excuse to leave somewhere with a chick. “Oh you wanna get out of here and get a slice of pizza?” Now you have a chick alone and you just made a spontaneous date for like $10. Beware of paying for too much stuff, because then you can fall into the “generous friend” category and that will leave you broke and not laid, which is the worst ever.

3. Have drugs. You don’t need to be an addict, but definitely have a little box at your house with weed, some stimulant (coke or Adderall), a depressant (Xanax) and a flask of whiskey. Once you figure out a girl’s choice of poison, casually drop that you have a bag/pill/joint at the crib if she’s down. Let her bring one friend if necessary, which will her feel more safe knowing she won’t get murdered. More than one friend or a male bring-along = you’re not hooking up tonight. ABORT! ABORT!

4. Groom to look like “us” not “them.” Your city is full of idiot college kids who look like their parents have been dressing them all their lives, so when they finally get the freedom to pick their own wardrobe, they come out with socks and sandle combinations that make vaginas get Sahara-Desert-dry. Be a big boy and read Vice MagazineStreet Boners and other hipster publications to learn the look and recreate it.

5. Have tea. Get green tea to show you care about anti-oxidants and some peachy stuff to show you’re comfortable enough with your masculinity to drink something that bros think is “faggy.” Make sure it costs at least $10 per package – fair trade is best.

6.  Be funny. This is not to be confused with being a clown. Clowns are monkey-men that do tricks for girls and then are dismissed. Clowns do not get laid. Instead, learn the ability to crack jokes about whatever’s going on around you. For example, if a drink is good, say, “This mango juice is so good, I want to fuck it. But since it’s mango juice and I’m a man, I can’t. Now I know what unrequited love must feel like.” This is good because you used “unrequited” (so eloquent!), drink mango juice (so cosmopolitan!) and you want to fuck fruit (so irreverent!).

7. Go to the right spots. There are different sub-genres of hipsters around your city that you’ll find at different spots*:
The Hexagon Bar = disheveled hipster girls (scruff beard and tighter pants).
Lyle’s = Skate, metal, snowhoe hipster girls (buy gear at Familia Skate Shop).
Namaste Cafe = hippy hipster girls (wear a gem).
First Ave. = drunk hipster girls (bring pendant, wear vintage).

8. Be friends with hipster homos. Hot hipster girls normally have hipster gay dudes around because they dress well, party a lot and won’t try to finger fuck them if they pass out in the crib. Make sure you’re always cool to the homos and if they like you, they will throw so much pussy on your plate that you’ll be eating for weeks! Befriending gay dudes is super easy, and as an added benefit, they’ll help you feng shui your apartment and dress better (see #4).

– Jonathan (last name removed upon author’s request)

EDITOR’S NOTE: The author of this piece is not Minnesotan, so do not assume it is every Jon in the world, of which there are lots.

Read Jonathan’s response to criticism re: this post here. Also see: A Guide to Fucking Other Relevant Kinds of Girls.