A Guide to Fucking Hipster Girls

So you’re are a square or a bro and you wanna fuck those arty girls, but realize that you’re too mainstream to hit that shit? Don’t fret, we got you covered with 8 easy steps to getting that alt chick into your bed.

1. Have a project going on. You know that cousin who plays the ukulele in that psychill band, LunarTeat? Let them play a show in your garage and promote the hell out of it using words like “avant-garde,” “dissonance” and “nuanced.” Hang some tampons on the wall and you’ve got a ravewave scene that will help make sure you smush before the second set.

2. Have loot. Girls are girls. No matter how many times they claim to reject materialism, those drinks aren’t going to pay for themselves. Don’t flaunt your money, but always have enough cash so you have an excuse to leave somewhere with a chick. “Oh you wanna get out of here and get a slice of pizza?” Now you have a chick alone and you just made a spontaneous date for like $10. Beware of paying for too much stuff, because then you can fall into the “generous friend” category and that will leave you broke and not laid, which is the worst ever.

3. Have drugs. You don’t need to be an addict, but definitely have a little box at your house with weed, some stimulant (coke or Adderall), a depressant (Xanax) and a flask of whiskey. Once you figure out a girl’s choice of poison, casually drop that you have a bag/pill/joint at the crib if she’s down. Let her bring one friend if necessary, which will her feel more safe knowing she won’t get murdered. More than one friend or a male bring-along = you’re not hooking up tonight. ABORT! ABORT!

4. Groom to look like “us” not “them.” Your city is full of idiot college kids who look like their parents have been dressing them all their lives, so when they finally get the freedom to pick their own wardrobe, they come out with socks and sandle combinations that make vaginas get Sahara-Desert-dry. Be a big boy and read Vice MagazineStreet Boners and other hipster publications to learn the look and recreate it.

5. Have tea. Get green tea to show you care about anti-oxidants and some peachy stuff to show you’re comfortable enough with your masculinity to drink something that bros think is “faggy.” Make sure it costs at least $10 per package – fair trade is best.

6.  Be funny. This is not to be confused with being a clown. Clowns are monkey-men that do tricks for girls and then are dismissed. Clowns do not get laid. Instead, learn the ability to crack jokes about whatever’s going on around you. For example, if a drink is good, say, “This mango juice is so good, I want to fuck it. But since it’s mango juice and I’m a man, I can’t. Now I know what unrequited love must feel like.” This is good because you used “unrequited” (so eloquent!), drink mango juice (so cosmopolitan!) and you want to fuck fruit (so irreverent!).

7. Go to the right spots. There are different sub-genres of hipsters around your city that you’ll find at different spots*:
The Hexagon Bar = disheveled hipster girls (scruff beard and tighter pants).
Lyle’s = Skate, metal, snowhoe hipster girls (buy gear at Familia Skate Shop).
Namaste Cafe = hippy hipster girls (wear a gem).
First Ave. = drunk hipster girls (bring pendant, wear vintage).

8. Be friends with hipster homos. Hot hipster girls normally have hipster gay dudes around because they dress well, party a lot and won’t try to finger fuck them if they pass out in the crib. Make sure you’re always cool to the homos and if they like you, they will throw so much pussy on your plate that you’ll be eating for weeks! Befriending gay dudes is super easy, and as an added benefit, they’ll help you feng shui your apartment and dress better (see #4).

– Jonathan (last name removed upon author’s request)

EDITOR’S NOTE: The author of this piece is not Minnesotan, so do not assume it is every Jon in the world, of which there are lots.

Read Jonathan’s response to criticism re: this post here. Also see: A Guide to Fucking Other Relevant Kinds of Girls.

  • Sarah

    Oh damn where should I send my panties

    • Ankit

      To my home come n v both will enjoy the fucking……. N i promise tht u feel like helll wen i willl b fucking u

    • Lawrence

      2 my long dick

    • http://Google P-jaysky

      I want to fuck your ass baby

    • Suleman

      Send them 2 me @ +2348096175455

    • smith

      to the washer.

  • Tom Logan

    The Gospel of Jon. Preach on my Brother!

  • ken

    i’ll leave my address on a pbr at the hex tonite.

  • mtv cribs

    “hey vice magazine, you guys are so awesome and write the best things! here’s a writing sample of mine, i hope you like it, lol! love john”

  • Susan Woehrle

    The snoeshoe hipster girls hang out at St. Paul coffee shops like Swede Hollow or wine bars like the Black Dog in Lowertown. You’re welcome.

  • michelle

    dear jonathan, you are a disgusting pig, the kind that promotes rape culture and degradation of women. i hope natural selection gets you and all of your kind. sincerely,
    go to hell

    • Paul

      What did he say that promoted rape?

  • dave

    I’m surprised this douche even has a girlfriend.

    Real men don’t have to drug girls to get in their pants. Just sayin’.

    • anon

      this is an advice column for people who have trouble getting girls in their pants. duh. he’s just trying to help out some people in need.

      • Nina

        Maybe those people in need shouldn’t have anyone.

        • Quentin

          TY, Nina, I knew loneliness is a b*tch, now i realize you’re making it even worst.

  • liz

    rock on michelle. this is disgusting.

  • Emily

    I am disturbed and outraged that this was even written, let alone posted on a website. This is an offense to all women, not just the ones you’re calling ‘hipster girls.’

    • Sorry Sarah

      Yeah, the Internet is for pictures of cats doing funny things.

  • KB

    This article is obscenely offensive and disgusting. The “author” is a misogynistic pig.

  • Bonanza Jellybean

    I’m a woman and this did not offend me in the least. Our society has traded in the ability to laugh for trying to be PC about every god damn thing. If this was about a hipster guy, nobody would have an issue with this. Lighten up people, hipster girls, like all women have something called free will and can choose if and which d-bag that buys them a PBR they’ll go home with.

  • Madeleine

    Hey John, I know you are going to shrug these comments off because you think you are god’s gift to earth and all these women must be pms-ing because they are ‘bitch’ing at you on the internet, and the whole world to too damn PC etc etc etc… but take a step back and look at the filth you just published to a public audience. Here you can’t high five your douchey guys friends who think it’s HILARIOUS to (pick any of the following: a) degrade women and promote rape b) practice blatant homophobia and c) publish a poorly written piece of shit article that makes you look like an insensitive jerk) to get thinly veiled support and pretend that your words aren’t hurtful but funny. This article is a disgrace to every form of comedy out there. A desperate attempt to “finger fuck” a hipster girl is neither clever nor giggle inducing in the least… kudos

    • nic

      lighten up

    • Baron

      Just because you and many other commentators can’t control their own emotions doesn’t mean the author can’t say what he wants to. Your head is so far up your hipster ass that apparently the slightest mention of drugs and women in the same sentence promotes rape. As for calling the author homophobic, I think that speaks to your own idiocy and self-righteousness.

  • Some Hipster

    This was cute. Except not. Way to be the asshole who publishes this not only online, but in the Water Tower. I hope you have a fantastic life while this precious little article follows you around for the rest of your life, so when you (hopefully) grow up, you’ll have to deal with the douchey comments you’ve made about women as a piece of shit, infinitely intoxicated underclassman.

    Have fun trying to interact with 50% of the Earth’s population. They certainly won’t be happy to deal with you.

    • Jake Ryan

      “Some Hipster” was boofed by the author.

  • Damian

    nice fuckin article man! I’M TOTALLY GONNA GET ME SOME HIPSTER BITCHES NOW!!

    p.s. thanks for the bar recommendations!

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  • Atreyu

    Haha, this is ridiculous! But you know you’re a legit website when you have a ton of crazy bitches complaining about how the author is a threat to society. Congrats Tangential!!

    I’m now making it a life goal to write for you.

    • http://hungeercluod.tumblr.com Søren

      You and the author win two tickets to the status quo! Congratulations! This rape culture ain’t gonna perpetuate itself know what I’m sayin haw haw.

      • boosh

        So… you wanna get raped?

  • Jenny

    Why didn’t he just save time & type the sentence “I’M A SHELTERED SUBURBAN DORK” over and over? Because that’s what I read from the moment he conflated “hipster” and “arty” (although it is possible to be both, more often than not the former is pretending to be the latter and thinking they can achieve it if they spend enough money on the right outfit, be seen at the right event, etc.) And those red plastic glasses on that model? That makes an American Apparel ad look sincere.

    Sorry jerk, some of us can tell if you’re using “dissonance” as a buzzword or if you genuinely understand what it means a second after the word leaves your lips. And while mense-art itself can be a fun tribute to the work of feminist artists past, tampons on the wall? Dude, please, that’s the most widely parodied cliche since Clowes first used it in his “Art School Confidential” strip (google it, Jonathan. Not because knowing it will make “alt-chicks” have sex with you, but because unlike you, it’s intentionally funny.)

    His bit about having money just reveals his core belief that all women are commodities to be bought. Drugs – ok,yes this will work on certain types of people(of any gender), sad to say. I bet he’s also happy to be the yuppie douche people tolerate cuz he hooks them up with their drugs. I bet he’s too oblivious to realize he’s That Guy. However, it’s still no guarantee you’ll get anything more than a “thanks for smoking me out!” Again, it plays on his assumption not only that women are commodities, but that “alt-women” in particular are drug-addled freaks who will do anything for a fix.

    As far as copying fashions from Vice magazine, see my above remarks about people who think they can purchase bohemia through the right outfit.

    Green tea – yeah, drink it. It’s good for you. Doesn’t mean anyone will have sex with you though. Be funny – also a positive trait, but doesn’t mean anyone will have sex with you.

    Going to the right spots? Again, see my remarks about “purchasing” bohemia.

    The “hipster homo” bit– now this disturbs me the most, not only for it’s homophobia, but for the bit about the reason girls have gay friends (because liking them as people is too much for Jonathan’s little simian brain to comprehend) is because they “won’t try to finger-fuck them if they pass out”. So, not only is he ok with rape, he seems to imply here that it’s par-for-the-course heterosexual activity. Dumbass, this doesn’t turn you into a hipster. It turns you into a RAPIST.

    So, joy. Another yuppie poser dork who for some reason gets a bug up his butt that he has to fuck a “freaky chick” but never once bothered to examine his rape-endorsing, sexist, homophobic mainstream mentality. At this point I can smell them the minute they walk through the door of the “right spot”. My husband can too, but unlike me he won’t just point and laugh.

    Bushwick (hipster central) out!

    • Jonathan

      *woosh*

    • Chief

       This chick needs to get laid.

    • Jerry

      These are my cornflakes, please proceed to piss all over them

    • hater

      right on jenny. for those who don’t get it (and there are plenty here), “ironic” misogyny is still misogyny. or, more precisely: saying misogynistic things in an “ironic” context does not make them less misogynistic. same goes for “ironic” homophobia (#8, and even if the author Has Gay Friends that doesn’t excuse it).

      i get that this is supposed to be a parody both of hipster culture (content) and bro culture (the narrative voice, “humorous” treatment of girls as a means to an end), but it’s certainly neither ironic nor funny enough to make up for its objectionable content.

      The mishmash of stale cliches which define this article (guide to hooking up with girls, making fun of hipsters, speaking in a bro voice) weren’t particularly funny even when they were fresh, and nowhere do Jonathan’s jokes deviate from the expectable. I agree with Jenny’s assessment that Jonathan is a suburban dork with very little experience of the world (or girls). On the evidence of this article, he has absolutely nothing original or interesting to say.

      And no, Jonathan, you damn well cannot get away with a rape joke, especially not a rape joke that brushes by homophobia on the way to its punchline.

    • travis

      If this is a joke, it’s hilarious, clever, and insightful. If it’s not, it’s just extra fucking hilarious

    • http://sunnetwork.in Anand

      I love girls. Any girls like wanna fucking with me? Nothing just call me +919060890497

  • Sara

    I am disappointed that someone would write about picking up women in such a degrading fashion.

    We are not objects to be purchased with money or drugs or adherence to fads.

    Only cowards lean on crutches like these “tricks”, instead of being themselves and being prepared to face the fact that not every person will be interested.

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  • http://twitter.com/smoeding Sarah Moeding

    I thought this was spot on, hilarious, and kind of adorable.

    It must be awful to not have a sense of humour.

    Go Tangential! You know how to get laid.

  • C354673008

    what a loser

  • Kendroid4

    It’s pretty pathetic if you need to try and trick females into liking you. In the end, even if you do get laid by some naive 18 year old you’ll still be single and alone. It’s better to just read a self help book and become a better person all around. Then you might be able to have a actually meaningful relationship with one of these desirable “hipster” girls instead of being an embarrassing mistake.

  • http://www.facebook.com/0x29A Alex Fulton

    Hey Jenny, are you actually that fucking stupid, or are you just being ironic?

  • Dicktaber

    Please don’t reproduce, John. Next time you’re at the dentist, ask if they’ll aim the x-ray machine at your balls. At the very least, if it doesn’t eradicate all your sperm, maybe you’ll get several different types of cancer and die!

    • Jerry

      Now given that this is simply a light-hearted article about wanting to get into the pants of a hipster chick, don’t you think that’s just a wee bit drastic?

      I mean yeah if he’d ordered a genocide or set fire to a dog or fondled a child I could understand this comment, but all he did was WRITE (hypothetically, might I add) about having SEX with a HIPSTER.

      That’s like me telling you, Dicktaber, to befriend a junkie AIDS victim and so you can suck his needles clean. It’s just uncalled for.

  • guest845

    I’m a visual arts major and I cannot attest to how true some of the shit mentioned here actually is. Half the girls I go to school with are the epitomy of this article. Kudos to the author.
    By the way, if a hipster girl ever scolds you in public for not drinking organic coffee (yes that happened to me) call them a “bitty”. They hate that shit. Its everything they strive not to be.

  • Juice Nugget

    This is a guide to getting laid by… not a guide to the actual act of fucking them…

    A book could be written on that subject alone. Its an entirely different sexual experience.

  • Sar Elle

    i’m offended about the familia remark.

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    Nice picture and blog! Though weed is all you need in the drug area, probs.

  • namastebitches

    you are hilarious. love this

  • Gg_lavoie

    3. Have drugs. You don’t need to be an addict, but definitely have a little box at your house with weed, some stimulant (coke or Adderall), a depressant (Xanax) and a flask of whiskey.

    Just in case anyone cares, if your hipster-chick has imbibed in any drugs or alcohol, she can’t legally give consent to a sexual act…and that makes it a sexual assault…and if she’s half as smart as you think she is, she’ll see your name slapped up on a a sex-offender registry list for the rest of your life

    just sayin

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  • Grzechotnik zwany Węgorzem

    Offended people = quality fun.

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  • hubert

    I think some of you need to calm down and take this article with a grain of salt; either it’s serious and is therefore not worth anyone’s time or it’s not, in which case, I think it’s pretty funny. And seriously, misogyny is the most overused word ever, not to mention the majority of the time it’s misused too. I refuse to believe there are that many women haters out there, just because a guy is a sleazy scumbag who objectifies women doesn’t make him a hater. And fyi, all you angry people calling the author a misogynist really do come off as misandrists.

  • Jerry

    Boohoohoo, I have tits, this article is misogynistic penis-grabbing filth, I’ve never read anything so sexist and vile, let’s burn our bra’s and put an end to this horrid age of man.

    It’s a fucking comedy article, lighten the fuck up, geez…

    • hrmmph

      despite it being a comedy article, people were offended. grow up.

      • Jerry

        People were offended?

        STOP THE PRESSES!
        WE HAVE A NEW HEADLINE!
        “PEOPLE OFFENDED BY COMEDY ARTICLE ON WEBSITE”

        Welcome to the world wide web, we do hope you enjoy your stay.

  • Kat

    All of the angry women commenting angrily on these just make me sad. As a woman working towards a career in comedy, I’m starting to see who people are referring to when they make claims like “Women aren’t funny.” Because people like you just don’t get humor. Both of these articles are CLEARLY making fun of the stereotypes, not the objects of the stereotypes. There is a HUGE difference. You are failing to realize that the author of this post is on your side. He’s using humor to illuminate the faulty logic of the same people that you’re trying put down through petty insults and poor grammar. He’s mocking stereotypes; you’re reinforcing them. You’re reinforcing stereotypes about how women can’t take a joke, about how women think everyone wants to rape them and read way too much into simple things men say.
    A lot of you have singled out the “rape culture support” in the remark in the article about trying “to finger fuck them if they pass out in the crib.” Your logic is flawed in two ways. Firstly, it’s not intended to be taken seriously. And secondly, he is not saying that either he or any other general group of men finger fuck women when they pass out. He’s saying that these hypothetical (again, technically fiction for humor’s sake) women with “hipster-homo” friends are ASSUMING that all straight men will finger fuck them the second they fall asleep, and thus only trust gay men. He’s again making fun of the same stereotype that you’re reinforcing by assuming that this man is a rapist.
    Now I’m just angry because I hate dissecting comedy. It really ruins the joke. But I hate even more when people just can’t understand the comedy and mistake a comedian’s “character’s” words for his own opinion. Because that’s what this article is–a character.
    And please, my fellow females, tell me I’m wrong here. Give me further logic than saying “you’re a rapist” to a man you’ve never met based entirely on a humor piece, and I will gladly reconsider.

    • Dee

      Amen.

  • Gideon udeh

    i will like to be part of this sex i like it

  • Katie

    Kat – Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant insight. Although, I’m sorry you had to dissect it like that. I get frustrated just like you. It’s cyberspace for crying out loud. Nobody should be taking any of the anonymous bullshit on it seriously. It’s all for entertainment and this article came to us in the form of comedy.

  • JJ

    The comments here are amazing. This story is about sex. It is not about rape.

  • Steve Austin

    The last bit of advice that the author forgot to tack on was you should PBRobably not write articles on fucking hipster girls.

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  • anotheranon

    you guys.. chill your titties. stop freaking out about this. it was a funny article.

  • steven

    I think it is a bit sexist, but you know what? Girls are harsh to good guys. So if you gotta act a bit scummy to get some, the stupid girls will fall for it. The girls that are not dumb won’t. Real hipster girls aren’t that stupid. The trendy ones, yes.

  • Vince

    Woah, got a lotta honest responses. Best was probably kats, shame she had to dissect comedy.

  • PA Loverboy

    Banging hipster chicks is easy, just act the opposit of the lame hipster dudes they’re used to balling and you’re in.

  • http://www.hipsters_to_the_ovens_NOW.com F.O.A.D.

    A guide is needed? LOL! Let’s get something clear, there is nothing “artsy” about them. They’re hipsters for fucks sake! That means everything about them is a pretense, including their artsy-ness. Like PA Loverboy said, it’s easy. Just don’t be anything like the guys (e.g. their hipster chick’s source of sexual frustration) they’re used to.

  • Positively Smashing

    The article is really good, but the real entertainment comes from reading the posts from the buttpained feminists. I bet if this was a guide to “hooking up with hipster guys” you would be just fine with it.

  • A guy

    The utmost singular idea of altruistic equality is an idea better read on paper than face to face. A man who crys constantly, a man who hasn’t gotten any, a man whose soft-spoken in a social environment, A Man who doesn’t make the first move. These are things which steer clear from the social representation of what is a “man”, which is why the word “Emasculating” even exist. Yet funny, with the table flipped with the exact same situations, your potrayal of the female image is still intact, you STILL are desirable. While we look less-desirable…. Now I understand some points, where you should just be honest, DGAF, and be real with the girl, and true, that works best ALWAYS… but it’s a double standard to let your egos be unharmed because you are the object of the chase, not the person chasing. You wont truly understand what it means to learn countless rejections, because only the smoothest(realest) dudes end up learning from HUNDREDS, if not THOUSANDS of rejections. Can any girl here really…like REALLY…no bullshit….REALLLLLLLY attest to setting yourself up for failure when youre trying to attract someone, and repeat again , and again, and again, Only to get to that point where you’re ALL so attracted with? No…..you don’t know……you just think it comes….So I ask… Please let these Guys dream learn, get better, and you can reject them, and be done with it, without trying to make them seem less than human for their frustrations UNSUNG, learning to attract you…..

  • http://jible.com Jible

    I thought this was spot on, hilarious, and kind of adorable.

    It must be awful to not have a sense of humour.

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    hot

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  • Dude

    WHo cares about hipster chicks. You bang the girls that are into you. That means work out and get a hot body. You will then have lots of chicks to choose from. Girls are more superficial then men nowadays anyways.

  • Spook

    Hipster girls suck the best dick. Good times.