How to Be at One with Nature

How to Be at One with Nature

1. When you’re eating your onion rings and zesty sauce in Burger King’s parking lot, don’t throw your garbage into nature. Keep your garbage in your car. At some point you can deposit your refuse in a clearly marked bin, where it will then be deposited into nature correctly.

2. Have several pet birds and listen to them sing as the sun rises. Share your pot with them by blowing smoke in their faces.

3. When you’re drinking forties, always pour a little onto Earth like it’s your dead homie. Make sure you say, “A sip for you, Earth Mother; you my homie.”

4. While getting freaky with a new mate, make sure to ask your new lover if he or she recycles. Abandon coitus if your lover confesses to recycling “sometimes.” This person is lying to you, and probably has syphilis, too.

5. Engage in risky nature sports like rock climbing or snowless cross country skiing on shrooms you found in the backyard. Don’t wear protective gear. If you get hurt, let it go. You and the earth will become blood brothers.

6. Start a Twitter devoted to saving an endangered species of bird. Meta.

7. Wear pants that are tight enough to show off your penis just a little. Nature likes that.

8. Suppress a boner while riding a zebra, unless the zebra says something like, “Oh man, finally.”

9. Write a book about a man who escapes from society and watches ants in the woods. Then in part two, he wakes up as a cockroach.

10. Pee on a television. This is purely symbolic.

Jason Zabel and Becky Lang