It’s New York Fashion Week, which is an important time for people who enjoy clothes, cameras, thin people and Marc Jacobs. In celebration, I’m going to share everything I’ve learned in my years, as a girl, about fashion. Read this post while listening to this.

What I learned about fashion from reading women’s magazines since the age of 12:
1. Runway fashion is supposed to be weird, making you think, “Who would ever wear that?” If not, they’ve failed.
2. Reading about fashion is boring. That’s what pictures are for.
3. Fashion models have little flesh, but fleshy brows are ok. Thighs like wind instruments are ideal.

What I learned about fashion in college, when I edited a column called “The Fashionista is In:”
1. People in the fashion scene need to have names like “Lorbach” and “Peloquin.*” European but not obvious which European country they originate from is best.
2. To name a fashion show, just use a violent word, like “Guillotine!” or “Paralyze!” with an exclamation point. Then make it focused on something that normal people won’t understand, like “daytime separates.”
3. Unless you’re terribly thin, only wear black leggings/tights.

What I learned about fashion from going to fashion shows:
1. You will not meet a straight boy there. There might be some present, but everyone is looking really pretty, and your odds would be 99:1.
2. As for the Runway Looks – always, always a weird head thing. A big feather crown maybe.
3. The drinks are expensive, so drink beforehand.

–Beck Lang got an “F” in sewing in 7th grade, and has since been in great awe of people who design and make clothing, although fashion is clearly not her gift.

*Real Minneapolis fashion people