Minneapolis, Jan 11, 2010. Top news source WinkyLinks has released a classified list of the most coveted and fertile people in the small, tundra-like city of Minneapolis. Amongst the baby faces, rolling loins and pouty lips is Jay Gabler, Tangential Editor and all around slayer of women left and right. Other names are not worth mentioning because they have been rendered in Wing Dings.

The Vita.mn hotness contest is sponsored by Vitamin Water in their yearlong quest to douse the most attractive people across the country in their gelatin-colored, fortified sugar juice. To launch the contest, Vita.mn and Vitamin Water throw a giant party, where ex-congresspeople dress up as mimes and contortionists and are forced to live paint pictures of Prince sitting atop Minneapolis’ famous Grain Belt sign. To gain access, people must prove that they have been voted at least a 6 out of 10 on Hotornot.com, brand themselves with a Vitamin Water logo on the small of their back, and wear at least 1 yard of animal print fabric.

The voting process involves a plate-spinning competition, banana hammock-off, and a small fire from which the nominees must rescue last year’s winner. The prize this year has been amped up due to the success of last year’s competition. No longer is it a gift certificate to Green Mill happy hour, but is instead 1,000 take-home virgins. The creators are optimistic that it will not end in an orgy.

– Becky Lang went to last year’s Vita.mn hotness party to watch the crowning take place. Although her now-boyfriend swears he was there too, at the time she did not notice any of what she calls “interesting straight men.” The drinks were really expensive, so she left and got drunk at Applebee’s. This year she wants Jay Gabler to win.