Bright, captivating, affectionate artist and outdoor adventurer. Graceful, natural athlete, leggy slim figure, easygoing great looks, 49. International experience and sophistication yet deep roots in New England with the best of its philosophy and love of its landscape and light. It’s been too long and I’m starving for something long and hard.

Passionate, loving, intellectual-author, social justice activist. Regarded by many as visionary leader in the Jewish world. Delights in movies, kayaking, New Mexico, Martha’s Vineyard, Buddhist retreats, speaking Spanish/Hebrew. Seeks companionable, energetic, healthy, attractive, active man 55-72. Drink beer, but do not forget your manners. So far I’ve only experienced a female’s touch.

Sparkling, attractive, tall, slender widow. Outgoing, passionate, author and psychotherapist. Values authenticity, depth of thinking and feeling. Thrives on tennis, travel and adventure in the outdoors. I’m pretty sure a fuck buddy would fit nicely into my active life. Make me scream.

Extremely cute, easygoing, girl-next-door type. Dark alluring eyes hint at mystery and reveal quick intelligence and happy surprises. CFO, 43. Sophisticated tastes, lives well but enjoys simple everyday pleasures: music that touches my soul, beautifully prepared meals, finding the perfect wine, theatre, artistic expression, Truro, France anywhere. YOU: white, tall, sexy, toned, fit, handsome, and 21 to 30 years old. If you don’t like BBW cougars, then please don’t answer as you are wasting both of our time.

Caring, intelligent, tall, attractive, sensual widow with great sense of humor. Town meeting member and Obama volunteer. Long walks, cooking and dinner by the fire, theater, movies, jazz, spectator sports, museums and zoos are all favorites. A special passion for Italy and Greece, especially the less traveled roads. I want someone to hang out with Thursday night. I have a myriad of clamps and whips, and have a large meatstick which can easily drill me as we play.

Smart and beautiful, intellectually curious and athletic. Consultant/educator—tall, slim with natural radiance. Adventurous with calm warm demeanor, genuineness of character. Expressive, affectionate, 5’8″. Laughs a lot, thinks deeply, politically liberal. Actively enjoys skiing, hiking Rockies or Whites, tapas in Barcelona, Mozart sonatas, Sunday Times, The Economist. What turns me on? Giving oral sex, receiving oral sex. I am married but will supply pics to those that grab my attention.

Female Harvard faculty, business owner, 42, divorced, no children. I am sarcastic and have an odd sense of humor. I laugh when people trip and fall. It is a sickness! Looking for a committed relationship with a man having similar yearnings and goals. I don’t want a man that comes with a jealous ex. Frankly, have had that all too many times and it isn’t that enjoyable.

Exquisite young brunette (39); slender, petite, Wharton MBA; warm; loves arts, flowers. WANTED: One equally excellent partner, seeking joyous life with this delightful, adorable, rare woman. I am not looking for your money, but you must have your own job, money, and car. I can give oral sex, but I expect to receive it back.

American girl next door blonde good looks. Really pretty, smart, sensual, non-workaholic CEO—known for insightful irreverence, quick mind, and ever-present dash of self-deprecating humor. Passions include: photography, travel (just returned Egypt, Jordan), weekends in Maine, literature, movies, music (especially Latin and World), cooking, discovering great neighborhood restaurants. What I seek is a simple beneficial encounter with a cool, chill guy. You will not smoke in front of me—that’s final.

Artist, avid gardener, gourmet cook, hiker, nature-lover. Relocated from the East to Sonoma for gardening, outdoor lifestyle, and admittedly for great food. Graceful, Ivy-educated, slim, lithe, athletic—easygoing manner, naturally pretty looks, high cheekbones. Cooks and entertains with ease, makes a mean paella, heavenly coq au vin—has yet to master biscuits. Works part-time in winery for fun. Looking forward to meeting personable man (59-73), successful, content with life. Send pics of your big thick cock for reply.

– Jay Gabler can prove he didn’t make any of this up.