Facebook thinks I’m a drunken teddy bear-hugger. The “See Frienship” tab is an exercise in a computer editing my life. Computer-selected photos don’t try to make me look sexy or hottt, the way I might. I am my own preferred photo editor. Computers are honest and gritty. Here’s how Facebook visually depicts my relationships with friends. Sometimes it’s not so wrong.

Above we have a photo Facebook selected for my relationship with the lovely John Sand. This actually does us both justice. John is awesome and creative, and I am a sea of green/brown–complete with a large gas station cup filled with Kamchatka vodka. I am the most confused forrest ranger you could ever encounter. John is a ravenous animal I’ve found in the woods. We’re drinking together.

This photo is the representation of my relationship with Tony Libera. You’ll notice that my boyfriend is hugging Tony excitedly, as he’s wont to do, and I’m nothing but a pale orange blur in the foreground, smiling dumbly. In later versions of this photo I am trimmed out.

Here I am with my best heterosexual male friend, Jay Boller. I think we get along really well because he’s kind of a homo.

This is the photo that represents my relationship with my boyfriend Jordan. We’ve been together five years and we’ve accumulated three cats. If you open a window in winter they will gather at the screen and look outside. This is the best way to get them all together. If you try to herd them up without an opened window the exercise will end in bleeding. This coincides with my theory about relationships: don’t force them. Let the natural environment force you together. I don’t think this was Facebook’s first choice for our relationship photo–someone changed it. When I looked at our “See Friendship” page the first time, I saw the below image:

How does one begin to explain? In many ways, this is still me and Jordan. The photo was taken in the dorms freshman year of college while we were visiting our favorite upstairs girlfriend. She often treated us with Korean snacks and canned juice that had grapes in it that were the texture of decaying eyeballs. We’d sit on her bed and hug her teddy bears. Jordan liked teddy bears; I didn’t, but I played along. Also, I had a different chin then. Litterally.
One time I went to Las Vegas with my parents and sister. One day, my mom and I accidentally wore the same shirt. People kept pointing it out: “Oh! Did you plan on both wearing salmon v-necks?!”  We didn’t plan it, but I figured I should be proud about such serendipity. It just happened. When I returned home from the trip I made the above image and put it on Facebook. It has come to represent who we are as mother and son.

Sometimes my bestie Becky Lang and I get all dressed up and go to the high school prom, okay? As much as Becky pushes me, I refuse to put out. I will not be just another medal in Becky’s trophy case of lovers.

My relationship with Kara Nesvig is forever an image of me reaching for her breast. I had recently discovered facial hair and she was looking as beautiful as ever. In the background, there was dancing. Perhaps Kara and I did a few moves together. When I saw my chance, I reached out and touched it. I recoiled, and have not touched it since.

–Jason Zabel aspires to be John Sand