1. Guys, exclusively wear t-shirts from your alma mater. Only deviate for first dates when you wear a red or blue ill-fitting polo shirt. Girls, exclusively wear your boyfriend’s sweatshirt from his alma mater. It also helps to start all sentences with, “My boyfriend…”

2. Make a Facebook profile for your cat. Have your cat comment on your wall/photos. These should be the majority of your profile comments.

3. Major in Business. Not Marketing, not Finance, just Business. Get a job managing a department at Target. When giving people advice, say things like, “Well that’s just how we do it in Household Electronics…”

4. Guys: Miller Light. Lots and lots of Miller Lights, but never do anything fun or say anything crazy, maybe just get a little bold and ‘flirt’ with a girl by only talking about yourself, your job, and your cat. Girls: Pinot grigio. Preface the night by calling all of your cool friends, telling them you “really want to go crazy tonight” and that they’re “just the person you knew could help” (do not realize how offensive this sounds), get giggly after one glass, get sleepy after two glasses, cry about your boyfriend, go home to him anyway.

5. Read People Magazine unironically.

6. Your best jokes are vaguely racist and lifted from e-mail forwards you received from a conservative relative.

7. Your favorite restaurant is the Olive Garden and you consistently order spaghetti; complain about how it’s a little too spicy but then say something about the ‘value.’ Have half a dozen raspberry lemonades to ‘get your money’s worth.’

8. Use a Motorola Razr.

9. Facebook interests should include: boating, Dave Matthews Band, the outdoors, Family Guy, Eminem, your family (and something about how they’ve ~*always been there for you*~), the cabin, grilling out, snowboarding, American Idol.

10. Open a Twitter account, but only use it to update your location on Foursquare. Exclusively check in from your job or from chain restaurants like Applebees where you go for happy hour.

–Sarah Heuer religiously reads People.com, which is just a little bit better.