I'm sorry about what I said earlier. That was the stress talking.

I'm sorry about what I said earlier. That was the stress talking.

“You’re breathing down my neck like Antonio Banderas on ecstasy and oysters, and that’s exactly how your breath smells.”

“I’d be happy to help you right after I suck your kitten’s eyeballs out!”

“No, that dress doesn’t make your ass look fat, but the overall impression is definitely that of a manatee in a muumuu.”

“Spoon a baboon, jerkface!”

“Thanks for the offer, honey, but I’d really like it if instead of hanging around my office while I’m trying to get some work done, you took that vibrating massager and used it to pleasure Oprah Winfrey’s surprise half-sister.”

“This isn’t Jersey Shore, so I’m not gonna slam a Diet Pepsi and go down on you right here in the middle of the kitchen, so please move your dick and the rest of your naked body out of my way so I can get a goddamn Vitamin Water and get back to work.”

“You know what? You can go fuck yourself in the face.”

“That sympathetic expression you’re giving me just made me start to throw up in my mouth, but then I swallowed it again, because the last thing I need today is to vom on my iPad.”

“I need your help like I need a fondling by Al Roker!”

“I swear to God, if you leave your shoes in the middle of the living room floor one more time, next time we go 69 I’m gonna shart in your face!”

Jay Gabler, with occasional suggestions and horrified reactions by Katie Sisneros and Sarah Heuer