Sympathy Hug. As one may expect, this occurs when one individual hugs another to express feelings of sympathy, empathy, mutual sadness, or even pity. The hug lasts between fifteen and nine hundred seconds depending on the manner in which the hug recipient reacts. Shorter hugs will be elicited in situations where the recipient appreciates the sentiment but either feels uncomfortable engaging in physically intimate situations with relative strangers or prefers to deal with emotional issues in an introverted and/or intuitive manner. Longer hugs typically generate from situations in which the person deserving of sympathy is less concerned about social appropriateness or personal boundaries and instead places his or her emotions as the primary priority. For these reasons the hug typically lingers as the person in need of sympathy cries or continues to ‘get vulnerable’ while on the hug initiator’s shoulder, perhaps encouraged and emboldened by the fact that the initiator can no longer see the recipient’s face. It is advised that wherever possible the hug initiator proceed by placing both arms over the recipient’s shoulders (whereas placing them under the arms/armpits of the recipient may convey an unintended type of physical or sexual intimacy). This advice is applicable only insofar as the initiator is within 85 to 110% of the recipient’s height. This is crucial because a greater height discrepancy generally occurs between people of the opposite sex; thus, if the initiator is too short or tall to meet this criterion he or she should consider turning his or her head to the side and pointing the chin down at an angle perpendicular to the recipient’s upward-standing torso in order to best diffuse the notion that perhaps the gesture is sexual (unless of course if the Sympathy Hug is offered in hopes of segueing into a more intimate connection in which case the Sympathy Hug should ideally occur while in bed or otherwise horizontally).

Greeting Hug. When you hug someone immediately upon seeing them in person. Generally unremarkable, although take care to ensure that Greeting Hug ends at a mutually acknowledged point in time. Should one party linger or resist (perhaps by bristling or clutching an object between hugging bodies with one hand, such as a cell phone), hug in question may also be filed under one of the following headings.

Awkward Side Hug. An age-old social stigma, the Awkward Side Hug is as familiar as the Makeout-Avoiding Forehead Kiss. Generally speaking the awkward side hug demonstrates the lack of intimacy between hugging partners coupled with the mutual desire to maintain social conventions, suggesting that the two share an interpersonal relationship that necessitates intimacy to the point of feigning it (ex: sisters-in-law, your now-elderly 4th grade teacher). However, there are certain instances in which the Awkward Side Hug is welcome, such as when you and a coworker have successfully pitched a client and you mutually feel inspired to share this delight in a manner that does not involve the alignment of your genitals.

Hug-As-Punctuation. Typically the Hug-As-Punctuation occurs when two or more individuals seek to put an official end to a conversation or argument at the point in which everything necessary has been said and the conversers have begun repeating themselves. The hug serves to end the conversation and to allow discussion to move on to more lighthearted topics. This should not be mistaken for a symbol of absolute resolution as approximately 30 – 50% of the time the H-A-P is brought about wearily when one or more parties resolves him or herself to the fact that the other party just does not ‘get it’ and it no longer seems prudent or efficient to continue discussion. While one could reasonably ‘agree to disagree’ and simply ‘get the fuck out,’ there may be prevailing social implications that suggest the encounter should end more positively than this; thus one raises his or her arms, cocks one’s head slightly and moves toward the intended recipient in a slow-enough motion that Awkward Side Hug can easily be initiated should the recipient appear unreceptive.

Hug that Makes You Feel Superior to the Person. Perhaps you are at some ‘local scene.’ Also in attendance is That Fashionista and That Somewhat Well-Known Local Musician or That Girl Who Wanted You But You Turned Her Down For No Reason. You hug them to convey an (intentionally) uncomfortable level of intimacy and then leave thinking to yourself, “Damn, I dominated that social interaction.” It feels euphoric to be on the giving end of HTMYFSTTP, but awful to be on the other end, which is really nothing more than a word of advice regarding whether you should intentionally seek out these situations, as ego-stroking as they may be in the moment (assuming you either care about karma or don’t want to be labeled as ‘that scenester asshole’).

‘We’re About to Hook Up’ Hug. This varietal usually occurs at the end of a date but may also occur at the end of a house party as guests are leaving, or perhaps at bar close. Typically this hug is preceded by vague statements such as “we should totally do this again” which are either meant or not meant depending on the individual’s interest in hooking up frequently or simply this one time (a fact that may not be determined until after said hookup). The hug begins with the familiar Goodbye Hug (omitted from this analysis due to general cultural familiarity) and then lingers, often with genitals intentionally pressed together and with hands wandering to areas generally off-limits during other hugs, such as the top of the ass or the nape of the neck. At this point typically a makeout will begin spontaneously, but in milder situations this hug may simply generate an invitation to come in or stay awhile longer when the makeout will eventually commence on the living room couch.

Hug When You are No Longer Attracted to the Person. Similar to the Awkward Side Hug, this occurs after spending several hours with someone you have been dating for a reasonable period of time. Typically you provide some sort of excuse for why the event cannot end with cohabitation (I suggest “my parents are coming over in the morning” or “I have to work early,” from experience) and as you part ways you give a brief, non-lingering hug during which you must talk the entire time so as not to invite a goodbye kiss (I suggest “alright, well I’ll call you…” from experience). Ideally HWYANLATTP should occur in a car when it is easier to segue from hug to exit, but if it must occur at the door, it is advised that you outfit your body in such a way as to discourage the hug as much as possible; suggestions include wrapping oneself in a blanket such that the arms and fabric are intertwined, carrying your computer or other moderately large electronic to the door with you as though you were about to plug it in, carrying dishes as though you were about to take them to the kitchen, etc.

–Sarah Heuer really does not like hugs that much, believe it or not.