Yes, I know you want to come in. You just can’t. We’ve already got Belle and Ariel and Aladdin and Pocahontas and Mulan and Jasmine and Simba. We’re at capacity here.

No, listen, Susie, this is a 5+ event. Little kids can’t come in. Mrs. Potts is pouring, and we’re all getting drunk on tea. This is not an appropriate event for you.

I don’t know where your Disney CD is. I don’t have it. No, I don’t have it! That’s actually Mary Poppins singing. She’s drunk too.

Fine! Go ahead and tell Mom. She’ll say this is my room and I can have my own friends over. You can have your friends over in your room. I know Jafar is available, and you can see what Ursula is up to. I can give you her number.

No, you can’t come in later. We’re going to watch R-rated movies. Belle’s father invented a Red Box that lets us rent whatever we want. No, you can’t have a movie from it. It only has movies with swearing and sex.

I am not lying. If I was, Jiminy Cricket would be very mad at me and wouldn’t let me do any of his drugs. Tinkerbell brought some drugs too. We’re all going to do drugs now, and you can’t have any. Go away!

– Jay Gabler, inspired by a true story about the cruel childhood of Ian Power. Photo by AHT (Creative Commons).