I know that everyone was at Love Power Church last night, getting drunk and propping the door back onto the ladies room and tweeting “Slappy wut” when Slapping Purses played. For anyone who may be reading this who doesn’t live here, yes, Minneapolis has a church called Love Power Church where people go to drink and tweet and it even has a giant mural of Jesus on the side that you can see from the highway. That’s all I know though. Like I said, I wasn’t at the thing. Not like John Wallace, Jahna Peloquin and Hannah Silk Champagne. Not like them at all.

Here are some things that I was doing while being absent from the thing:

– Turning down the frequency of a strobe light
-Preventing a fight in a cab where it was threatened that a bottle would be broken on an unnamed person’s head
-Picturing the cab driver’s name wrong. He said “Said” and in my mind I spelled out “S-a-y-i-d”
-Sorting out whose bottle of Black Velvet was whose
-Listening to Indian stereotypes an Indian person could use to be cheeky during celebrity doppelganger month
-Waffling about whether or not to go to Taco Bell. Didn’t go.
-Discussing the frequency of a friend’s dish washing habits.

-Becky Lang didn’t want to spend $10 to get into the thing