Sleep is when human beings, cats and possibly some other species close their eyes and practice death. They usually like to do this while lying in a state that mimics the womb, for example swaddled in fabric filled with goose feathers. When human beings don’t get enough sleep, they oftentimes walk with less fluidity while bending their joints and hear words as long strings of vowels. Many expert scientists believe that sleep is necessary so that we can enter parallel universes where we act out hypothetical scenarios, practice stacking different-shaped objects and have sex with random people that we saw on the street or at social gatherings.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down or get as close to 180 degrees as you can. Become parallel with the ground. If in a moving vehicle, tilt your chin down in a limp manner.

2. Make sure your joints are not in immediate danger of dislocating and close your eyes.

3. If this doesn’t work, try going to a social gathering and putting your body against other bodies. When you find one that resembles your silhouette in a way that feels pleasing, ask them to lie vertically with you in the shape of two spoons, stacked close together in a drawer.

4. If that still doesn’t work, ingest an alcoholic beverage. Ingest between 1-5 while sitting on a couch and watching television that does not cause you to have physical signs of anxiety, such as sweating or shivering. That will lead to negative parallel universe entry when the sleep is achieved.

5. That still didn’t work? Find someone with red eyes who is watching repeats of a show ironic in nature and ask them if they have a green leafy substance that you, together, can put in a bowl attached to a breathing device and light on fire.

6. If these solutions should fail you repeatedly, find a medical doctor and tell them your symptoms. They will give you a pill that is represented by a nice image, like a neon butterfly, to take nightly. Swallow this pill with water. Lay down. If you wake up in your kitchen covered in peanut butter and Skyping with a stranger, return to your bed immediately.

–Becky Lang found a “how to” guide for taking off your shoes on a doormat the other day.