Dear Mr. Vader:
We regret to inform you that your application for adoption of a Cabbage Patch Kid has been denied. As you are no doubt aware, Cabbage Patch Kids do not grow on trees – they grow in a cabbage patch, behind a waterfall in a magical valley. This renders them rarer than you might think, and competition for adoption is fierce. We understand this may come as a disappointment to you, so we wanted to outline for you the reasons for our decision, should you desire to adopt in the future.
First, we want to stress that it is against policy for us to fill specific requests. For example, we cannot provide the Cabbage Patch Kid with the highest Midichlorian count, nor do we have the means to calculate such a number if we could. While you are not forbidden from encouraging a career in the military for your Kid, none of our adoptees can be trained in space combat before adoption, and we do not refer to any of them as “Admiral.”
Through our extensive background checks it was brought to our attention that you live in a “Death Star” that is frequently under attack from “Rebel forces.” We do not presume to judge the living conditions of our applicants; however, we find it less than encouraging that your engineers failed to properly secure the thermal exhaust port. Even the employees here in the office at Babyland General Hospital know that a common proton torpedo could exploit such an obvious weakness. We would require more astute attention to household safety in order to ensure the security of our adoptees. We always take into consideration an applicant’s ability to adequately protect our Kids from evil Lavender McDade, Cabbage Jack, and their gold mine – we do not condone child labor, and we fear the ease with which you dispose of your Storm Troopers might put a Kid at risk of falling into another low-pay high-danger occupation.
More disturbing still, we understand you already have two children, from whom you have become estranged and, it seems, have on occasion attempted to murder. We take our applicants’ previous history with children very seriously, and though we appreciate the importance of encouraging children to be successful, a Dark Side-or-Death ultimatum seems more terrifying than heartening. We hope this last fact does not offend, but we are also concerned with your chronic respiratory problems and whether they jeopardize your ability to parent full-time.
We at Babyland General Hospital would like to thank you for your interest in adopting a Cabbage Patch Kid. Simply applying is the first hurdle, and we appreciate your desire, even if we do not feel it fits your current lifestyle. We encourage you to apply again in the future.
Chief of Staff
Babyland General Hospital