You have a vault full of cash, and you’ve had it for a long time. You also put a toothbrush and a minibar size bottle of Smirnoff Raspberry in there. You have your ways. You have your riches. We won’t ask questions. But are they safe? Here are some signs that it’s time to move your vault full of cash:

1. People rob an organic, French-inspired restaurant in the vicinity of your vault full of cash.
2. Drunk people were offended by the name “Sunnyside” on a breakfast joint and kicked in the door.
3. Someone already stole the TV, and it wasn’t Amy Sedaris.
4. There is a wig shop within three blocks of your vault full of cash.
5. Your vault is on Lyndale Avenue.

–Becky Lang works on Lyndale avenue, which keeps getting robbed all the goddam time. She does not actually own a vault.